


the best bananas will be ripe with time

by vinndetta



Series: star-crossed lovers [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - Famous, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Bisexual Arin Hanson, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Ross O'Donovan, But also, Coming Out, Homophobia, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pansexual Suzy Berhow, Pining, Slow Burn, Slurs, Trans Dan Avidan, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, written by a trans author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2019-08-16 23:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: When your favorite singer disappears off the face of the earth, it's really hard to not notice.So Arin does notice, especially when said singer returns, reborn anew.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [wait for me to come home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923089) by [abyssith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abyssith/pseuds/abyssith). 



> title credits:  
> danny don't you know  
> by ninja sex party
> 
> song used:  
> set it all free  
> by scarlett johansson
> 
> previously "now it's time to rock the show (come on, you are a star tonight)"
> 
> -
> 
> HELLO i wrote this because i was like y'all i need this so i wrote it myself bc who else is going to
> 
> check out the fic that inspired this fic! it's not really related at all but i did start writing grump fanfiction because of that fic so if you're interested !! :) ya.
> 
> i dont usually write fic for real people so uh. hopefully they won't find this. since i know dan mentioned he's seen some fanfic sO... dan please stop reading fanfics about yourself ssjdkjskjd you've probably seen some weird stuff oof

i.  
I followed my heart into the fire  
Got burned, got broken down by desire  
I tried, I tried but the smoke in my eyes  
Left me blurry, blurry and blind

-

The first relationship is always messy. 

Arin thinks that, in his case, it was more of a beautiful mess. It was spontaneous, seemingly carefree, just like the two lovers, wide-eyed glances and innocent touches galore. It was love, and Arin found himself blinded by the beauty of it all. What a strange exotic feeling, he mused, the one that made him feel so much. Perhaps it was merely idolization, with a little bit more meaning. That's what first love was, a beautiful mess that was destined to fall apart to pieces although the two could never see it coming, blinded by their own weakness of the heart.

Funny. He always thought that they would be Mr. and Mrs. Hanson, but in the end, all those sweet words and fleeting thoughts of a future spent together meant nothing in the end, a faded memory that lost all meaning except that bitter twinge deep within both of their souls.

Arin supposes that he would always love Suzanne Berhow, because she was too far burrowed into his heart for him to dig her out without horrible consequences. He would always love her, and all those years wouldn't be for naught. He loved her so much, holding her up like a fragile artifact that he didn't want to break. But maybe it was fragile for a reason, the scattered pieces more symbolic of the beautiful mess they had created. A cracked surface only means that it's going to be healed, to be fixed to be better than before.

But the scars are still there, a reminder forever of his first love.

It was okay, he thinks. She meant too much for him to simply forget that easily anyway. They were friends, still, in a way. They tried, so no one could say that they didn't. But anyone with common sense could tell you that relations were strained, for one reason or another. Their personalities clashed, which they used to their benefit, bouncing ideas and conversations off of each other, but once it was all over, it simply caused more tension between the two former lovers. Perhaps it was never meant to be, but she would always be his first love despite everything.

It hurt too much to remember and it would be too painful to try to forget her. The best that Arin Hanson could do was to find a way to move on.

That's when Arin discovered Leigh Schwartz.

No, not off the streets, not through some obscure Tinder match, and definitely not in the clouds.

No, indeed, it was through his friend, Ross. He wasn't sure what to expect from his close friend when he turned on his music in his car, telling him that this was something he had to hear.

Her voice was beautiful. Powerful yet quietly alluring. With an acoustic guitar as the only backing instrument, her voice was so dark that it sent chills up Arin's body. 

"Leigh Schwartz is her name. Pretty voice, eh? Found her off on Spotify's personalized recommended playlists. Absolutely a new and upcoming artist to follow into the bigger spotlights."

"She... sounds really nice." Arin can't help but admit secretly to himself that he had fallen in love with her voice. Wow.

The two engaged in some random conversation with her voice in the background. Silky, smooth, and confident, her voice carried on the whole way through. Though she sang songs of different genres, she always sounded so beautiful, as if everything she touched and sang became beauty beyond anything he could ever imagine. He had always known that music was an art, but he never realized that someone could use their voice in such a way that evoked something so deep, so unimaginably heartfelt. It evoked something in him that he couldn't even seem to define with words - it was just something that made him feel things that he had never felt before.

By the time the conversations slowed to a stop - which led to Arin leaving the car, Ross driving off, and Arin back inside his home - Arin had already been hooked.

-

Arin pre-orders her new album as soon as it was announced on Instagram, getting a signed album.

He keeps it on his bedside desk, admiring it every morning as the sun's rays shined upon it.

-

She was twenty-five years old, he reminded himself, and he is seventeen years old.

Arin groans out loud, slamming his head against the desk in agony. 

He never really understood celebrity crushes, the fact that someone could be obsessed with the content that someone else makes. It's one thing to appreciate someone else as a role model, but another thing to absolutely obsess over someone that they had never even met. At least, that's what he had thought before Leigh had come into his life. Now, he felt hypocritical, because every chance he got, he refreshed her Instagram page. He felt his heart flutter every time she posted, liking each one and commenting on the ones where he could think of a witty comment.

It was absolutely crazy. At this point, his friends had told him that he was obsessed, just head-over-heels in love. He refused to admit this fact to himself. he didn't want to think of it that way, but he knew they were right, internally. He knows this, living through all his daydreams of meeting her, getting to know her, loving her. The worst part are the dreams where she loves him back, the things that would never really happen, because he was one of three million fans. He'd wake up, in a cold sweat, feeling like a part of him was missing. 

This was what it was like to be a teenage boy in love with a celebrity, he guesses.

Arin pulls out his sketchpad from his desk drawer, filled with drawings of a woman he'd never meet. Before, he used to draw video game and anime characters, simple pieces of fanart that some people on Instagram liked. But now, he found that all his sketches, serious or not, looked just like her. It all came back to her. He couldn't help it. She was a beautiful muse, the image of beauty in Arin's eye.

He has it bad. But, at least he wasn't reading self-insert fanfiction or being a crazy, obsessed fan that no one ever wants to have.

So what if he was in love?

-

Finally, Arin posts a drawing of Leigh on his Instagram art page, getting a bunch of likes and new follows from it.

Despite the new attention to his art, he can't help but wonder if it got her attention.

-

She hasn't posted in weeks.

Arin thinks he knew that something was wrong all along, but he wasn't really sure what. She usually did post at least once a week, usually more. No one seems to be hearing from her, and that baffles him. She was usually posting some funny picture or just a picture of where she happened to visit the day before. 

He liked her little updates, and sometimes, if it was close enough to where he lived in Florida, he would go there, just to feel like she was there with him. It was ridiculous, he knew, but Arin felt as if he was closer to her this way, seeing the same things, feeling the same things, hearing the same things. It made him happy to see her cute little grin as she posts a selfie of her at the beach or the museum or the studio, just because it was cute and special. The little moments she shared with her fans were adorable. He drinks in all of it, loving the little things about her.

But now it had all abruptly stopped, with no explanation at all.

He just hopes she's okay.

-

Four years after Arin discovers Leigh through Ross, he wakes up to see her Instagram page empty except for one new post.

The preview was a picture of a dark path, with footprints leading into the darkness. Arin clicks on it to find the caption, as well as the comment section that was either various conspiracy theories or concerned comments.

The caption reads, _"this isn't a farewell, but a see-you-again-soon. see you after my awkward phase ends."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains a short part where arin has a panic attack, and no one is there to help him. could be potentially triggering.

ii.  
I picked all the pieces up off the ground  
I've burned all my fingers but that's gone now  
Got the glue in my hands I'm stickin' to the plan  
Stickin' to the plan that says "I can"

-

It was an understatement to say that Arin was sad.

Okay, so he wasn't moping or anything, but he was bummed out that his muse was gone. Leigh was a really big inspiration for him, and the fact that she had just up and left did not make anything better. What reasoning did she have? Was she okay? Would she come back, like she said she would?

The internet was, decidedly, very nosy. Arin couldn't pretend to take the high road, though, because he had read through the onslaught of conspiracy posts that appeared after her disappearance. He scrolled through some of the internet's ideas, from her dying for some suspicious reason to her not even being a real person. It was ridiculous, but Arin couldn't help but be curious.

She was gone, and every day, he had to remind himself of that. And although he would love to know where she is now, he knows that it's her business, and none of her old fans should be snooping around for haphazard hints that leads to essentially nothing. He knows that he wouldn't appreciate it if he was in her position, so he's a little annoyed that the people that claim to love her continue to disrespect their so-called idol. He wasn't calling himself the perfect flawless fan, but he hoped that these people would be better than that.

More than anything, he hopes that she's doing well.

-

Arin was always the type of person to go for something once he knew he wanted it. He didn't wait around for someone to tell him to do it, and he certainly would not stop for someone who said he couldn't do it. If he wanted it, he was going to do what he could to get it. It was that simple for him.

So, Arin took up the persona of Egoraptor, starting social media accounts and a YouTube channel. 

It started off slow, with only one animation of Chrono Trigger, one of his favorite childhood RPGs. Still, it was well-received by the audience, so Arin figured he was going to stick to this animation thing. It was fun, getting to draw and create something from scratch and watch it become a video of his own creation. All those years of inspiration from Leigh gave him drawing practice galore. Sure, it wasn't exactly the best practice to draw the same person over and over again, but it was better than not drawing anything.

He had honestly been in a drawing rut before, but after Leigh had come into his life, stolen his heart, and left just as quickly, he had fallen in love with drawing. His muse might be gone, but she was still there, like an everlasting aftereffect. 

Just like Suzy, she had left such a significant mark on his life. Arin knew that he'd always be waiting for her to come back, but if she never did, he was just glad that he got to know her in some way.

Arin thinks to himself that it's all going to be okay.

-

It's really kicked off for him, this animation thing. He didn't think he'd be here, from being a high school dropout to being a semi-famous online animator. But it did happen, miraculously. 

With his friend Ross, the two of them created works of art on their own little corner of the internet. Egoraptor and RubberRoss were in no way claiming to be internet-famous, but it was enough to survive on. 

And Arin thinks to himself that this would be enough. 

-

_Would it ever be enough though? Will it be, forever?_

The voice whispers to him in the dark on the harder days. These are the days where he doesn't want to get up, doesn't see a reason to. He didn't want to sound like a broken man, but sometimes, he wonders if it comes so easily to sound like one because he is one.

What in the world has he spent the last twenty years of his life doing? He hates that he thinks this way, but he just wonders if there's even a point to anything. He's a good-for-nothing high school dropout, not bothering to attend college, not bothering with anything instead of making stupid cartoons that people seem to enjoy. But does he really want to spend the rest of his life doing that?

_Would you be satisfied?_

Arin breathes in, breathes out. It's not unusual for him to experience panic attacks, but so many are behind closed doors nowadays. He knows what they are, but they just plague him constantly these days. There's no one there to comfort him this time though. 

_There's no one to confide in, no one to love, no one to love you._

Arin feels chills going down his back, and his brain goes fuzzy. He doesn't know where he is, what's happening, although he's only laying down on his bed in the late evening. He's lost deep inside his thoughts, but he can't come out, can't seem to understand, just wants it all to end. 

He's weak, for feeling this way. He feels so, anyway. He doesn't want anyone to know that he's going through this. He laughs off everything, pretending that everything is okay, when in fact, it's not okay.

What's his purpose? If his purpose is to just be happy, he doesn't know what's going to make him happy, or even if he's ever going to be truly happy ever again. What ever happened to sweet, blissful childhood with Suzy? Why can't things have lasted, in that state of oblivious wonder and joy?

Arin wonders if he'll ever feel that way again.

The voice spits out nastily, _will you ever be satisfied?_ And when it does, Arin never knows how to answer.

-

Sometimes, in the room next door, Ross thinks he hears distant sobbing.

But unsure of what's happening, unsure if he's imagining the noises that he thinks he hears through the walls, unsure if it's his place to even say anything, Ross stays put in his own room. 

Although he's concerned for his friend, he doesn't know what will help him. He just hopes that one day, he'll know what will.

-

His thoughts are filled with Leigh Schwartz on the better days, the ones where he's an over-energetic ball of happiness and glee. It feels like he's a child again, running around the playground with nothing in mind but fun and enjoyment. 

His obsession with her for over four years made him memorize every detail of her physical appearance. Arin can close his eyes and see the dimples on her face when that cute face lights up and smiles widely. He knows the way her eyes darken slightly and her little smirk when she finds something secretly amusing. He loves when she raises her eyebrows in a knowing manner, the thing she did so often on stage.

He misses her. That's one thing that he can't deny. Arin's heart still has a soft spot for Leigh, and he thinks he will for the rest of his life. And even now, he wonders what she's doing with her life right now. 

-

Sometimes, when Arin isn't looking, Ross likes to take in every detail of the joy on his friend's face.

This is the Arin that he wants to stick around. Ross knows that it's unrealistic, but he just wants his friend to have happiness in his life. Wanting his old friend back would be impossible, but he wants to see his friend be happy. 

He wonders, sometimes, what would it take to make Arin Hanson believe in himself again.

-

This time, Ross isn't involved in Arin's new music interest. Instead, it's Spotify.

Arin doesn't usually go into Spotify's Made For You playlists, but he's tired of constantly skipping over songs that he still holds dearly to his heart, but he's tired of hearing over and over again. So, he figures that this could be a new way to get into new music and to get him to stop having to open Spotify and click next, so he could actually get to working on his current animation project.

He clicks on Discover Weekly, immediately pressing play. A calm piano hook starts to play through his earphones.

He minimizes the Spotify tab, turning towards his drawing pad and looking at his preparatory sketches. He starts to sketch the main character of the original cartoon again when he suddenly freezes.

The voice trickles through softly, as soothing as soft rain tapping on a window. The voice is deep and sultry, which invokes a shiver down Arin's spine. The man's voice is beautiful and soothing, and Arin finds himself staring at the half-finished drawing when the song ends.

So much for getting back to work with this piece.

The next song starts playing, evidently yet another pop song judging by the tone of the hook and the choice of chord progressions.

Arin opens up Spotify again, and the playlist pops back up. He looks at the first song, reading the artist name.

Dan Avidan. Huh. Interesting.

Arin saves the song in his Favorite Songs, and then writes the name down on a sticky note in order to remind himself to look him up later when he takes a break.

This Dan Avidan seems intriguing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are getting spicy
> 
> jk but wow !! i love writing this sm you have no idea

iii.  
Do anything at all  
I can do anything at all

-

Dan Avidan is the prettiest man he's ever seen in his whole life.

That's definitely not an exaggeration. That curly hair is going to drive Arin insane. He just wants to run his hand through the tangled mess of curls, relishing in the way it seems like a beautiful mess. It might be weird, yes, but his hair was definitely something that made him stand out. Not to be creepy, but it was beautiful, just like Dan himself.

His eyes, too, were absolutely gorgeous. He loved the dark and mysterious eyes that glanced at him through his computer screen. In every professional photo of him, Dan's face seemed to capture the embodiment of an engima, as if he was hiding a secret that no one knew and no one would ever know. Arin felt weirdly exposed whenever he looked at a picture where Dan's piercing dark eyes stared directly into the camera.

He thinks he might have a type when it comes to celebrities. When he brings this up to Ross, he simply laughs.

-

He's not obsessed with him. It's more like an appreciation of him. It's not just his musical abilities, but also his personality. Arin feels drawn to him, somehow. It's not really a mancrush, but it could be. Arin feels like his bubbly personality and snarky jokes are just what makes him even more stunning in Arin's eyes. 

-

Six years. It's been six years, the memory of Leigh fading from his mind. She had meant so much to him, but after this, he realized how his life seemed to revolve around her. It was really unhealthy to feel that way, especially for someone who he didn't even really know in real life.

He tried to shake her off, to stop obsessing over people he'd never meet. He was almost there, building his own life instead of building up a statue of idolization. She had meant so much to him, filling up the void in his broken heart. She had been so good to him, a beautiful muse who had been the point of inspiration for him. And without her, he had learned how to continue being an artist without needing a muse. Yes, muses were helpful to inspire and create, but Arin found the willpower to create on his own accord.

And then Daniel Avidan decided to walk into his life, tearing down his progress.

God, what a beauty. Arin doesn't know how such a god was allowed to walk the earth. It was so hard to explain what Arin felt for the older man. Dan was like an angel sent from God, and Arin had only felt this way for one person, who was now long gone from the public eye. Maybe it wouldn't be too farfetched to say that he loved Daniel Avidan.

But he's not gay.

Absolutely not gay.

-

From then on, his drawings and animatics typically always included a bushy-haired man, whether as a main character or as a side character.

No one really mentioned anything, but sometimes Ross would shoot Arin a knowing look when he looked at his art drafts.

-

Arin wakes up in a cold sweat, piercing dark eyes with a unreadable smirk unable to leave his thoughts for the next couple hours as he tried to go back to sleep.

-

Dan Avidan's instagram is rather intriguing, even featuring his previous musical projects. Currently, his only band mate is supposedly a man named Brian Wecht, who was a theoretical physicist. 

It turns out that the song where Arin discovered the singer was actually a more serious song that he had released on his own. Most of his other songs were under the band Ninja Sex Party (what an ingenious name) with Brian. 

Arin found that he actually liked it a lot more than he thought he would. He usually wasn't a fan of comedy bands, but he loved the characters they portrayed: Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian. They were just so funny; he couldn't help but go through their music videos from time to time, just to have laughing fits. He loved to see the shenanigans a Jewish man wearing spandex and a ninja assassin could go through.

And if sometimes, the deep, husky voice of the lead singer causes a reaction in the lower part of his body, well, that was nobody's business.

-

Dan's interviews are always interesting to watch. This one, however, addressed a more interesting question that had been posed on many social media platforms, but no one had ever asked the man right to his face.

The man had blinked in surprise at that question, surprisingly speechless. Arin raises his eyebrow at the man's behavior, noting how Dan blinked a bit and seemed to try to process the question. He usually pulled off the persona of a flirtatious man, brushing off questions with jokes and funny anecdotes.

"Well, Leigh Schwartz was a..." Dan pauses to think, pulling a serious look onto his face. Dan then continues, saying the words slowly as if he was trying to be careful about the words he chose to say. "... She was a very big inspiration of mine. I'm not surprised that people think our styles are similiar." Dan grinned a bit. "They basically are. There's a lot of musicians I draw inspiration from... bands like Rush to comedy bands like Flight of the Concords. But she's... different. I think she's made me a big part of who I am today." 

The interviewer nods, continuing on with the rest of her questions.

-

The internet, meanwhile, goes crazy.

-

Arin discovers that many people were thinking the same thing as him: a drawing of Dan Avidan and Leigh Schwartz side-by-side. They loved the idea of them, and wanted them to collaborate. Secretly, Arin thought to himself what a great idea that was. Two of his favorite artists, doing something together? Sign him up, please!

However, he feels as if that would be impossible, at least at this rate. So, instead, he indulges himself the only way he knows how.

-

It only takes him three days and a half to do it.

And by then, he had realized something peculiar. There's something familiar here, between Dan and Leigh. They were two different people, yet somehow, something seemed to be hiding right under his nose. Arin just couldn't figure it out, but he knows that there's something that he doesn't know. He couldn't see it, but there was something rather familiar when he drew Dan and Leigh on the stage, singing their hearts out.

They were beautiful, he thinks. Absolutely ethereal among mortals.

-

He posts it on his art Instagram, proud of the digital art piece that he had created. It was a masterpiece, he thought. He had drawn them at their finest moments, drawn them at their most beautiful. They looked magical, as if they had never meant to be heavenly creatures walking the mortal plane. 

People go crazy in the comment section, and he smiles to himself.

-

Suzy is the one who sends him a post via Instagram barely ten hours after his post, telling him to check it out. Arin responds almost immediately with a confused affirmation, then clicks on the post.

What he finds is Dan Avidan's repost of his art merely a minute ago with credits, telling the world to check out his art with the lovely caption, _"beautiful artwork by an amazing artist - @egoraptor ! check him out! xoxo."_

Then, he gets a new follower. He almost didn't see it, as his phone is now buzzing with new likes and follows.

_**danny__avidan** started following you._

Arin is stopping every urge to scream until his lungs give out.


	4. Chapter 4

iv.  
This is my kiss goodbye  
You can stand alone and watch me fly  
'Cause nothing's keeping me down gonna let it all up  
Come on and say right now, right now, right now

-

Okay, first of all, Arin has to remind himself to count his blessings. Some people get noticed by their idol, but he doesn't hear about people who actually get followed by them. Was this a thing? Did this even happen to people?

Arin takes in a deep breath. Okay, so he just got followed by his... What even was Dan to him anyways? Not a crush, no, he's not - definitely not - interested in him in that way. He... wants to say that he's an appreciative fan, but that doesn't seem right. There seems to be something more than admiration going on in his feelings towards Dan Avidan, but he doesn't know what to call it. He can't quite place his finger on it, but he knows there's more underneath the surface. It's something he's felt before, with Leigh, but on a different level. He's not in love with Leigh (at least, not anymore, after all that time had passed). And he's definitely not in love with Daniel Avidan. Dan's something special, something he can't just simply slap a label onto.

His idol, he guesses, if he had to call it something. He can live with that, being followed by his idol. There's no problem at all.

-

There is absolutely a problem. Or at least, it's evident that Ross thinks so. Of course, Arin doesn't blame him; he's been through thick and thin with Ross. He was there at the very beginning, with Suzy and Leigh. Now all he has to deal with Dan, or rather, his rambling about Dan. He can't help it, though, running to his friend and telling him about what just happened. He had obviously liked Dan a lot already, but with this recent interaction, Arin can't help but feel completely and totally out of control due to the emotions building up inside of him.

To his credit, Ross doesn't tell him to be quiet. He listens as Arin excitedly jumps around with the excitement of a child who just got told that they could go to Disneyland. He acts a bit annoyed, but Arin can see the smile on his face at his joy. 

Arin's glad he has a friend like Ross, even if they pretend to hate each other from time-to-time. Besides, Ross can get back at him with his sadistic pranks (like Mario Maker levels or straight-up just silly pranks around the apartment) whenever Arin decides to tease and ridicule Ross.

-

Arin doesn't want to, but he ends up thinking about Leigh anyway.

He doesn't know how he feels about her anymore. He hasn't quite gotten over her, and he doesn't know if he ever will. But he wonders what might have happened if she had noticed him, had gotten to know him. He imagines a conversation with her via social media, becoming her friend, maybe even wanting more from her. He imagines her telling him about his plan to leave her public life behind, telling him that she wants him to join in on it. He imagines supporting her, meeting her, spending his life with her. It's ridiculous to want that fairytale ending at twenty-seven years old, six years after the fact, but his brain runs wild with the rampant possibilities anyway.

That night, he dreams of a world where this time, she runs away with him in hand, leading a secret life bothered by nobody.

-

Danny seems to have not just followed him on Instagram. He's apparently found him on various platforms from Twitter to Youtube. He's even tweeted out one of his videos to his fans, an animation involving characters from the Legend of Zelda franchise. Unfortunately, he apparently has an eye for detail, as his tweet reads out:

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: that cameo at 3:38 seems familiar... hmmm... wonder who it is, @ _egoraptor_ ?

Arin flushes when he first reads that. Evidently, he's been caught red-handed.

He responds by retweeting it with a shrug emoticon.

Both his fans and Danny's fans are interacting on the post with each other, enjoying the two of them joking around with each other. Arin pointedly ignores the replies that wonders if there's something more between the two.

-

Suzy ends up teasing him about it.

They've had the occasional conversation, sometimes messaging each other out of the blue if they see something that reminds them of each other. 

She knows, somehow, that he's a bit obsessed with Daniel Avidan. He doesn't know how, but he can assume it's from his artwork. She's known from the beginning, probably, as his sketches and animations started including a certain someone's appearance in some capacity.

She's moved on, and so has he. Arin still thinks that she's beautiful, sometimes wondering if they could have lasted. She meant a lot to him, changing him in ways that no one else probably could. She taught him how to love, and not just romantic love. It was love, purely of the entire world. Suzy helped him find his passions, and fall in love with them. And moreso, she taught him to love himself. She was special, his first serious date and actual girlfriend. She would always be special to him.

But there's no use reminiscing about the past, and about the possibilties. It's been ten years, and Arin finally sees that the passage of time has given him hindsight. While it may not have lasted and may not have meant to be, there were no regrets on Arin's part.

-

Arin isn't prepared to see a DM from Dan when he wakes up the next day. He lazily checks his phone as soon as he wakes up, sitting up instantly at the sight that **@danny__avidan** is private messaging him, _oh my god_.

The preview doesn't reveal much of the content of said message, but Arin's heart flutters for a reason that he can't quite fathom at eight in the morning.

 **Notifications:**  
_Instagram_ \- 1 hour ago:  
(egoraptor): danny__avidan: hey Egoraptor/Arin!...

Arin's heart jumps into his throat. He knows him by name. Daniel Avidan, that gorgeous face with a beautiful smile and a stunning voice knows who he is. Granted, he should, as he follows Arin's work enough to like his posts and tweet out his animations. But a personal message on top of getting noticed and followed by basically his celebrity crush was too much to fathom.

He clicks on the message excitedly.

 **@danny__avidan** : hey Egoraptor/Arin! Wait, I can call you that, right? You probably already know this but I am really into your art! Any chance I can commission you for some art I can hang up in my place? No pressure, dude, but just wanted to put that out there. thanks. :)

Arin just stares at the message for a while, taking it all in. He doesn't know how to process this information. On top of just waking up, he feels a bit overwhelmed by the possibility - no, the reality - that Daniel Avidan, creator of music he's a really big fan of, is actually a fan of his own creations of art. This seemed like a dream, something you'd only find in a story or a fairytale. Yet, it was so real (as Arin proved to himself by pinching his arm).

He carefully types out a response.

 **@egoraptor [draft]** : Hey Danny! Of course! I'd love to be commissioned by you. :) I'll send you a post with commission details as soon as possible. Also, you can call me anything you want: Egoraptor, Ego, Arin, etc. :)

Arin hopes he doesn't sound too desperate, too much like a rabid fangirl. He tries to mellow out the message with a bit of editing before sending the message.

 **@egoraptor** : Hey Danny! Of course, man. Totally be down to draw something for you. I'll send you a post with commission details. Also, I'm cool with being called Egoraptor or Arin. Both work. 

He sends it, hoping he doesn't sound like he's freaking out on the inside. He sends the commission information to him right after, then gets up to start the day.

-

For the rest of the day, Arin can't wipe the smile off his face. Waking up to a message from Danny was definitely the best way to start off the day. Ross raises an eyebrow, but Arin tries to desperately keep it in. He wants this moment to be special, and maybe later, he'll let Ross in on the situation. Instead, Ross is going to wonder for a while about what's gotten Arin into such a giddy mood. Serves him right for drinking all the goddamn milk (again, for the third time that week).

Arin keeps checking his phone for a response, but gets none. He gets it, being a popular guy probably takes up a lot of time. Arin himself has a schedule of all the projects he has on his belt, especially considering that he's considering starting a new YouTube channel/project. Keeping up with responsibilities takes practice and dedication. He can't even begin to imagine how hectic Dan's schedule is; he actually kind of shivers at the thought of a packed schedule. He keeps waiting, heart pounding every time his phone buzzes with a notification.

He ends up being unable to focus on his current animation-in-progress; instead, he ends up with a couple pages filled with doodles of someone with doofy smiles and wild, uncontrollable hair.

-

The response comes in much later in the evening, a bit after Arin calls it quits for the day. He's about to open YouTube on his computer when he sees his phone buzz out of the corner of his eye. He's keenly aware of his elevated heartbeat as he grabs his phone as quickly as humanly possible.

He doesn't even bother to read the notification, knowing that it's Danny, absolutely sure that it has to be that and nothing else. He opens Instagram, grinning like an idiot as he clicks on the unread conversation.

 **@danny__avidan** : nice, dude! thanks, i'll look over it and tell you what I want in a bit! also, no need for that. it's just my stage name. Call me Dan :) It's what all my friends call me.

Arin blinked. Either he was really bad at reading social cues or Dan had just proposed the idea of the two of them being friends.

Oh my god. 

-

Ross looks up as Arin bursts into the room, incoherently rambling about Dan. Arin gets a glimpse of a smirk, but decides to ignore that in favor of continuing to excitedly tell Ross about everything.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight trigger warning for a mental breakdown of sorts(?)

v.  
This is my big hello  
'Cause I'm giving, never letting go  
I can finally see, it's not just a dream  
When you set it all free, all free, all free

-

Arin isn't actually surprised to find this out, but it turns out that Dan's a really humble guy.

So much, that's it's actually sort of starting to piss him off.

It's not to say that he'd prefer Dan be one of those condescending assholes that some celebrities can turn out to be after their fame goes to their head. In fact, he'd probably be disgusted if that had happened.

No, Arin's sort of just peeved at Dan for being a really chill guy.

Dan's really kind to him, actually, treating him like they're familiar friends. Which, of course, Arin wouldn't mind at all if that happened in the future. Dan sends him details of the commission eagerly, almost instantly sending him the money via PayPal. Arin wouldn't tell anyone this, but he stared at the money that had showed up in his bank account, sort of astonished that this had even happened (that he was being commissioned by one of his favorite musical artists, wow, did this sort of thing even happen to anyone else?). Dan's really cool about it, really open about the fact that he doesn't know how art commissions work. He even tells him, for the deadline part, that "you can take as long as you want, I'm totally cool with that."

Which leads Arin to think about Dan's commission itself, what Dan actually wants made for him, which, oh my god.

Dan wants a drawing of him.

-

To his credit, Dan does tell him straight-up that he wasn't really sure what he even wanted in the first place. This goes back and forth for a bit until Dan jokingly says a self-portrait of Arin. Before Arin has the chance to react, Dan sends another message, seemingly actually wanting that.

 **@danny__avidan** : Dude, I mean, I just love your art style and stuff! I can't decide what I want from such a talented person! :0

 **@egoraptor** : Haha, you're too kind. I mean, you're gonna hang this up? People usually hang up pictures of people or pretty landscape pictures in their house.

 **@danny__avidan** : Man, you're right, haha. You're so smart.

 **@danny__avidan** : Hmmm a picture of someone? how about you, haha lol

 **@danny__avidan** : actually that isn't such a bad idea

-

And that's another thing. He can't seem to stop complimenting Arin, who furrows his eyebrows in confusion. Dan's a really nice guy, he knows that, but he had no idea that Dan was the type of guy to spit out compliments left and right.

He doesn't mind though. He loves the validation, especially when it comes from someone that you yourself admire. How cool is it to be told that you're cool by a person who you think is cool? It's very cool. Arin thinks he might be the luckiest man alive. Or maybe the coolest man alive. Hell yeah.

-

Arin always has a pile of references when he's drawing, especially if it's important or a commission. But it's really weird to have to actually pull up pictures of himself to place around his work area .

The worst thing happens to occur to him as he's pulling up references.

This picture that he's about to draw of himself is going to end up in Dan Avidan's possessions, hanging it up in his home, where he could see it every day from just walking around his house.

For some reason, that makes his heart jump, making his chest feel like a trampoline.

-

To be quite fair, Arin doesn't expect a lot of things. He didn't expect his relationship with Suzy to go downhill. He didn't expect to be an obsessed teenager over Leigh, and now, Dan. He didn't expect to get noticed by Dan for his fanart, and he certainly didn't expect a follow. All of that happened, though. He also didn't expect to be commissioned by the same guy either, but look what happened anyway.

It's needless to say that Arin doesn't expect an actual e-mail from Ninja Sex Party to show up in his inbox, but it does anyway.

Life can be so unexpected.

Life can be so unexpectedly wonderful, Arin thinks to himself.

-

The e-mail goes something like this (no, wait, actually it goes exactly like this):

> _Dear Arin Hanson,_
> 
> _We're reaching out to you in order to inform you that we'd like to give you an opportunity to create something for our next music video. We feel that your skills as an artist/animator will be very useful in our new projects._
> 
> _Please reach out to us for more information about this opportunity._
> 
> _Best,_  
>  _Ninja Sex Party_
> 
> _P.S. Ninja Brian here. Danny recommended you for this, so I hope you don't mind me reaching out to you via his reference. Thanks._

Arin doesn't even know how to process this information. He just sorts of stares at it for a while, trying to understand what the hell is happening.

Before he knows it, there's a few exchanged e-mails back and forth, confirming him meeting them at their place right here in California in about a week and a half. Jesus.

Okay, this is going to be really interesting. His chance to see Ninja Sex Party, to meet them personally...

To see Dan in the flesh, not through a screen of some sort.

Arin's heart jumps, filled with something undefinable, something that makes him feel like a glowing candle in the dark, burning brighter with kindled, unrivaled passion. If this kind of brightness was visible, he'd be the brightest star in the night sky.

-

That night, it all kicks back in, as Arin finds himself lying awake at 2 a.m., unable to completely fall asleep.

He checks his phone again, and only a couple minutes have passed even though it seems like hours.

He's afraid. His brain won't stop running, won't stop telling him that he's stupid, unlovable, unworthy -- the list goes on. He feels trapped, like an animal placed randomly in a cage for reasons that it can't comprehend. He's trying to find a way out, but there's nothing in sight.

His cheeks are wet, stained with tears that he wasn't even aware of in the first place. He's shaking, the covers thrown off of his bed haphazardly. He's alone with his thoughts, which is the most terrifying thing to him. His brain's swimming in a pool of negativity, and he thinks that he's drowning. He can't breathe, and he wants to get up, do something in order to get everything off his mind. But those thoughts are so heavy, and he's lost all his energy, unable to move from his position. He feels as if time has stopped and he's trapped between time and space. He's not sure how much time has passed by; hours, minutes, and seconds seem to mean nothing in the headspace that he's in right now.

Suddenly, Arin can see the flash of a light out of the corner of his eye from his phone. Curious, he lazily reaches out to see that there's a twitter notification from Dan Avidan. Now confused, he unlocks the notification to see that it's a photo post, an artistic rendition of a lyric from "I Just Want To (Dance)."

Dan had retweeted it with this caption: "come on, i just wanna dance! (just wanted to let you guys know that you can't let anyone keep you from your dreams, especially if it's dancing! love you guys)"

Arin stares at Dan's Twitter page, his fear and his pain dwindling away as a new emotions builds up and takes over.

He feels the warmth build up inside of him, something he shakes off. He ignores the quickening beat of his heart as he looks through the cute dorky pics of the man as well as his frequent encouragement tweets. How could something like this happen? How could Dan have wormed his way into Arin's heart with only the music pouring from his lips and those all-knowing smirks and that kind heart and those sweet words he sends to Arin every day ... ?

Later, Arin's knocked out, snoring softly as he dreams of a Jewish boy dressed in a vibrant, bright blue along with those warm eyes and a comforting smile.

-

Arin's eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen when his phone buzzes wildly on the table. It's the asscrack of dawn, and Arin drowsily looks at his phone. In the process of picking it up, he presses "accept" without really realizing what's going on.

"Wow! Messy bedhead, baggy eyes, dreary expression... what a dream come true!"

Arin blinks. A "What?" is all he can manage to come out, his brain overloaded with stimulation way too early in the morning.

"Hey, hey, hey... don't recognize me, baby?"

Arin squints down at his phone. A giant picture of Dan Avidan is grinning from his phone. He doesn't recognize it as the picture that he made his phone lockscreen.

Wait, the picture's moving.

Oh no.

"What's wrong? You look ultra confused. Is it by my hot looks? Because you're definitely hotter. If that's any consolation."

What the fuck.

"D-D-Dan." Arin fumbles with his phone. He rubs his eyes and looks at the screen. Yep, it's Dan Avidan, in the flesh. Right there.

"Yep, that's my name, baby. Glad you remembered it. Didn't know you were gonna answer my Instagram call."

Arin blinks, and his face feels like it's starting to heat up. His cereal's been long forgotten as he scrambles to try to fix his hair. He looks like shit, and it's evident that he literally just rolled out of bed with no intention of even leaving his house that day. So much for trying to keep up appearances and seem cool in front of Dan, because Dan's never seen his face before, and this is absolutely the most embarrassing and the worst thing that's ever happened on the face of the planet.

"Uh..." Arin struggles to find the words to even say. "Fuck, uh, shit, sorry-"

"What are you sorry for?" Dan tilts his head with that signature grin on his face. Arin's face flushes darker.

"Good question. Don't know." Arin laughs nervously and looks around.

"Then, there's no reason to be sorry, silly."

Arin nods. "Y-yeah, that's right. Makes sense." He blurts out words on impulse. He hasn't prepared for this type of situation.

"You look like you're dying, so I'm gonna make this quick and then let you take care of yourself."

Arin nods, staring blankly at Dan. He knew that Dan was a very bubbly dude with an outgoing personality from their messages, but in person (at least, kind of?), Dan's super giggly. If he had to choose a word to describe him, it would be bright. It helps that the lighting Dan has is directly over his face, but there's also a brightness that seems to be coming directly from him, especially through that wide, beautiful smile plastered on his face. If he thought Dan was pretty before, then he's going to have to find a new word, because this Dan? This Dan is like a god walking in the mortal realm.

"Got that?" Arin's eyes focus back on Dan, who looks at him expectedly. Dan's eyes look soft, and Arin forces himself to look away from those warm eyes.

"Shit, uh," Arin fumbles. "Can you give me the Sparknotes or something?"

Dan laughs, and Arin thinks it's the most thrilling things that he's ever seen, that he's ever created. Arin saying so silly and ridiculous made Dan giggle like a maniac, almost doubling over due to the uncontrollable bouts of laughter coming from him.

Arin can't help but think that if that look was the reward for telling Dan lame jokes, then he would willingly do it for the rest of his life.

Oh.

Arin immediately wipes that thought from his brain.

"So, what I basically said, was uh," Dan licks his lips. "I recommended you to Brian without asking, so hopefully you aren't angry at that. But you said yes, so I guess not. But I'm glad I get to see you soon, then. In, uh, person, of course."

Arin found himself nodding. "Right."

Dan grinned wider, if that was even possible. "Alright, cool, Arin! Looking forward to it."

"Yeah? Me too."

"Oh?" Dan blinked, then smirked. "Yeah?"

Arin felt like someone had knocked all of the breath out of him. "Yeah."

"Glad to hear it. Definitely stoked to see... that with my own two eyes." Dan winked, then the call ended.

What the hell.

Arin stared at the soggy cereal, mind completely somewhere else.

Was Dan... flirting with him? Did he misread all those friendly compliments? Did they mean something more?

Huh. Okay. He could handle this, he thinks. If it was, then well, that's fine. Being appreciated by a guy? Definitely cool by him.

It's not like he's... gay or whatever. Definitely not gay.

-

That night, Arin's dreams circle around the idea of a soulmate, and his subconscious teeters back and forth endlessly between Leigh and Dan.

He wakes up with two strong feelings: one being the feeling of emptiness that comes with the loss of a loved one, and another feeling like he's intruded on someone's privacy, like he's figured out the secret of the universe and now some sort of higher power is going to strike him down.

Arin buries his face in the pillow and refuses to get up until noon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: i changed the name of this, in case you got confused. hi :)

vi.  
You set it all free  
(Oh oh oh)  
(Oh oh oh)  
(Oh oh oh)

-

Today's the day.

Those words feel heavy on his lips. His mind is racing, and it usually is, but never at this rate. His brain is full of thoughts that he can't get out of his head; they're possibilities, fears, hopes, anxieties... the list goes on. His brain usually does this when it's faced with something new: it goes into a tangent of all the possible futures that could happen from that point on. It's flashes of Arin greeting Dan and Brian, Dan smiling, Brian being serious but also cracking a joke to relieve the tension in the room, Arin possibly saying something embarrassing, Dan kissing him -

Wait. What?

Arin splashes some water on his face, staring at his face in the mirror.

Dan Avidan and Brian Wecht were waiting for him, only about an hour drive away. 

Alright. He can do this.

-

Parked outside the office-like building, Arin decides that, well, he's not that sure he can do this anymore.

He's absolutely elated, of course. Who'd ever want to pass up the opportunity to work with the people who you were basically obsessed with? It's sort of embarrassing, at twenty-eight, to admit that, but honestly, Arin doesn't really care much anymore about what other people think. 

In fact, it's never been about what other people think.

It's about what he's thinking to himself. And oh god, it's going on multiple tangents at once.

Arin sits there for a while, perhaps a few minutes, letting his thoughts take over. They're whispers, screams, threats... it's all jumbled together into a mess that he can't decipher.

He pulls the door handle and exits the car. No more, he decides, no more. He can't let his thoughts overwhelm him and ruin his own life. He won't just sit there and wither away. He needs to end it, his brain's relentless bullying of himself.

He steps forward towards the building, metaphorically leaving behind his thoughts to mellow out in the car.

-

It's as if they already knew he was here, because only a couple seconds after Arin knocks on the door, it swings open to reveal Brian Wecht.

"Arin, right?" He said gruffly, eyebrow raised in what was a typical Brian fashion.

Arin blinked. "Uh, yeah."

Brian stepped aside, eyes still locked on Arin. "What's up." 

He stated it more like a statement, and Arin stepped forward inside with furrowed eyebrows. "Not much?" His voice raised in pitch at the end, and Arin sighed. Dammit.

Brian closed the door behind him and walked in front of Arin. "I can see why Dan likes you." If Arin could rewind that moment and play it again, he'd swear he could pick apart the evidence that Brian was smirking as he said those words.

Arin's face flushed darkly. "Um-"

"Come." Brian gestured, walking through the room.

Arin scratched his neck, following him in a mixture of embarrassment and curiosity.

-

All the rooms that Arin's walked into seem relatively ordinary. Not that he was expecting something over-the-top and overwhelming, but... maybe he sort of was. But it looks like a very decent apartment, nothing out of the ordinary.

Brian opens another door, and all Arin can hear now is a soft mellow piano. Brian gestures Arin to move into the room, and so he does so, looking around the room to slowly rest his gaze upon a familiar figure.

That's him.

That's Dan Avidan.

-

Okay, so here it is. The illusion's going to break. Arin thinks that this is why he was so afraid in the first place. You meet the person that you've been idolizing and who you've been loving from a distance. That person's on a pedestal now, but once you actually find out that they're a fellow part of humanity, that illusion breaks. Arin's afraid of making someone who seemed so perfect back into an ordinary mortal.

Because once something is tangible, it has the capacity to hurt that much more.

-

Turning away from the computer screen, Dan grins widely at the sight of Arin at the doorway.

"Yo! Arin, what's up?"

Arin's blown away by how casual this is.

"Uh. Not much."

Arin fidgets as Dan gets up to walk towards him. Arin looks behind him to see that Brian's already gone, presumably just being the person to escort him to the right place. Facing back forwards, he finds himself chest-to-chest with Dan.

"Pleased to meet you personally, Arin."

Arin nods for a second, forgetting that words were a thing. "Yes, yes, the same as well to you, Dan."

If Arin thought that Dan was beautiful from the beginning, then he's almost god-like up close. His curly hair is a bit of a mess that day, although it's clear that there was a wrestle to try to get it to not look like he had just rolled out of bed. Even so, it still looks great, although Arin feels as if he might just be a little bit biased after all. Dan was blessed with heavenly good looks, and that smile on his face is bright and bubbly. Arin can't even deny how attractive Dan is, seeing him right in front of his face. 

Dan suddenly grabs onto Arin's hand, and his heart feels like it's jumping up and down uncontrollably. Arin flushes a bit, hoping that it wasn't so loud to the point where Dan could hear it. That would be so embarrassing that he's not sure if he could ever live it down.

Dan leads him to the desk, and pulls up another chair. "Sit, sit. Listen to this, won't ya?" He hands him a set of earphones, which Arin takes cautiously.

The computer, up close, is evidently open to some sort of music program, but Dan clicks away from that to open another screen. It's an video editing program now, and based on Arin's own editing skills, he can see that there's a lot of audio sections combined together.

Dan presses play.

Compared to the slow piano piece that was playing before, this is a rock song as evident through the style of the background music. It sounds similiar to the piano piece in terms of notes and chords, which Arin's mind takes a note of. 

Dan Avidan's voice drifts into his ears, and Arin blinks rapidly. 

_Hey boys and girls_  
_This ninja science lesson's gonna rock your world_  
_Now close your eyes and travel back in time_  
_With me and Ninja Brian_  
_It's gonna blow your mind to shit!_

Holy shit.

Dan's showing him a new song for Ninja Sex Party.

Arin continues listening, and Dan's vocals, although he's heard it so many times, continues to amaze him. His vocal range is wide, singing songs that are so ridiculous and enjoyable. Arin finds himself rocking along by head bopping by the time the song is over.

"Did you like it?" Dan says as Arin takes off the headphones. Arin turns his head, hair flipping to the side as he looks to the man at his side. Dan has on this face that makes Arin gulp, but he can't bring himself to look away from those hopeful eyes.

"Defi - wh - yeah! Of course." Arin stumbles over his words. Dan lets out a sigh of relief.

"Good! That means Ninja Brian won't have to stab you."

Arin blinks rapidly. "Uh-"

"Just kidding, just kidding!" Dan starts to giggle at his own joke. Fascinated, Arin watches as Dan continues to be amused by himself, rocking back and forth as if he might even fall over from his laughter. Arin thinks that he's not sure that he's ever met a man that he could ever call adorably cute besides Dan.

"Anyway, here's the situation." Dan settles down and rests his arm on the chair's armrest to stare at Arin. "We're releasing this new single online alongside a music video. And we have some stuff planned with a classroom and actors pretending to be students, and that's all settled out."

Arin tilts his head. "And what does that have to do with me?"

"Well, we planned some scenes that are live-action, but we also wanted to do an animated bit, too." Dan scratches behind his ear awkwardly. "That's where you come in - we want you to animate some parts for us that show the actual dinosaur-laser-fighting scenes."

"Dinosaur Laser Fight does sound like a great title." Arin laughs a little.

Dan widens his eyes. "Holy shit, dude."

"Uh," Arin looks around, suddenly nervous. "What?"

"That's ingenious! Brian, Brian!" Dan practically jumps out of his seat and run-leaps out of the room. "Arin came up with the most brilliant idea! Brian! Briaaaannn! Come on!"

There's mumbling in the background that Arin can't hear from where he's sitting. In fact, Arin's still staring at the spot that Dan was just in practically seconds ago. 

Even if the illusion had been broken, it had revealed someone who could still be perfect while being also absolutely real. Because Dan was absolutely an angel. The fame hadn't gone to his head, and hadn't absolutely ruined him. No, it felt like he was still a child, happy and giggly.

Arin thinks that maybe if fate does exist, it gave him Dan Avidan for a goddamn reason. Arin doesn't think that he's ever had this much fun getting to know someone for a long time. In fact, this was the most fun he's ever had in a long time. Most of his friends are old childhood friends, because he never bothers really to make new friends, unless he has to or the right person comes along, which is practically never.

But Dan came into his life, and he's not about to let him slip away out of his reach. Because a person that pure, that lovely, dropping into his life and taking time out of their life to spend time with him? You can't let a person like that slip away, especially when that person is the attractive and beautiful Dan Avidan.

How could a person like this exist? Could a person be this happy, going through life on this planet? How had life not struck him down from his happy place?

These were all questions running through Arin's mind as Dan walks back in swiftly.

"By god! You're a goddamn genius, Arin Hanson." Dan plops into the chair.

Arin laughs nervously. "That's a compliment I can't accept, Dan." 

"Psh, sure. Our previous song title was Ninja Science Lessons. I mean, sounds great and all, but Dinosaur Laser Fight? Beautiful."

Arin smiles, and his brain quietly lets him know that it's probably the most genuine one he's had in days. "So, animation, right?"

"Yeah! You down?"

The two of them make eye contact, and, oh god, how could Arin even contemplate answering negatively?

"Hell fucking yeah!"

"Alright! Let's do it!"

-

Arin's not sure how much time has passed, and he's not sure if he even cares.

It's been a while, and all that time has been spent brainstorming and sketching for this animation. Because it's basically a commission, Arin, Brian, and Dan are sitting together to work together on ideas. Arin takes the basic concepts that the band gives him and he draws them while also having creative liberties with it.

In the end, there's so many pages filled with concepts and even some storyboards planned out with frames.

"Whew, is that a wrap? It's a fucking wrap." Dan breathes out heavily. "I'm fucking exhausted. Is it lunch time yet?"

"Lunch time?" Arin looks at his phone. "It's like, 3:00."

"Fuck it! I'm ordering takeout."

"Fine by me." Brian shrugs, standing up from the seat. "I'm probably going to work on other music things."

"Alright! Call me if you need me!"

As soon as Brian leaves the room, Arin looks up to make eye contact with Dan across the table.

Honestly? This is definitely the most fun he's ever had animating. He loves drawing, and he's certainly good at animating. But everything he's made has always been because he has to, because he needs to satisfy everyone following his works.

This, however, is different. This is a project, a commission he's making for Ninja Sex Party. It's not going on his main account, and people won't find it unless they're really invested in his work. There's no pressure except for the one from his commissioners. Actually, there's no pressure at all, really, because these two are treating it like a group project that's just a fun piece of work.

And honestly, Arin thinks that they actually do see it that way. They're artists that produce not because they have some sort of label or whatever. They're self-starters, and they have obligations to their fans, yes, but they're doing things that they truly enjoy just because they love doing it.

That's the epiphany that Arin has that moment, because his whole life, he's been creating for the sake of other people's enjoyment. At the beginning, sure, it was for fun and just to see what he could do. But now that it was his life's work, he had drowned himself in something fun to the point where it was no longer something he did for enjoyment. It had almost become suffering at that point, because he was suffocating himself in his art.

But now? Now, he's looking at the art in front of him and he's realizing what he's been doing this entire time. He was laughing, having fun making these little sketches with two amazingly talented people. This was what made him fall in love with drawing, especially collaborating with others. It was fun to think of something and to make it into something tangible and visible. It was the beauty of taking nothing and making it into something that he had fallen in love with all those years ago.

And somehow, he had forgotten that along the way.

"Arin? Hello? Earth to Arin?"

Arin shook his head, focusing his vision to see Dan's concerned and confused face. Evidently, he had been lost in his own thoughts for a little too long.

"You alright, dude?"

"Yeah, yeah," Arin blurted. "I'm good, was just thinking."

Dan raised an eyebrow, leaning on his arm, elbow on the table. "Any interesting thoughts today, scholar?"

Arin let out a laugh. "Just reminiscing about stuff. It's no Plato or anything."

The two looked at each other for a while, but Arin broke eye contact to look at the scattered mess of drawings on the table. He started to gather them up into a single pile.

"Sorry, I'll probably get going, let you do your own thing-"

"I mean," Dan loudly interrupted with a burst, then drew back a little out of worry and meekness. "You're not really bothering me."

Arin stops, looking at Dan. Was he trying to get him to stay longer? He starts to even turn a little bit red at the thought of what implications come with that.

"Well, if you're sure-"

"Absolutely!" Dan jolts upright, taking out his phone. "Stay for lunch, maybe?"

"Oh, uh," Arin sets down the papers. "Sure, if you don't mind me intruding."

"If a cute boy eating lunch with me is intruding, then, no, I don't mind it at all." Dan winks, then goes back to pressing things on his phone.

Arin gathers the papers and puts them in his bag. Once he settles back down, he fiddles with his fingers. Dan certainly has flirted with him before, through messages and through that one video chat they had one time, but to actually hear them in person is so surreal to him. 

Wait, is this flirting? 

Whatever it is, it's probably a joke.

Probably.

"So, uh, do you like sushi?"

Arin blinks. "Uh, love it."

Dan fist-pumps. "Same!"

A little bit of silence, and Dan's back to ordering.

"Any allergies? Any preferences to sushi?"

"Fuck, uh, pineapples. And, uh, not really?"

"Cool."

-

The sushi arrives, and both of them sit down to eat.

"Dude, I fucking love sushi." Dan grins widely and takes a bite. He lets out a kind-of moan, and Arin laughs.

"Hey, hey, wanna hear about the days when I got high and basically lived only on sushi?"

Arin looks up from his sushi.

Dan laughs. "Sorry, too much for a first date?"

"What- I mean, shit, fucking, I-" Arin shakes his head to clear his mind. "No, it's good. I'd be down to hear about that."

As Dan begins to elaborate, Arin begins to wonder if this really is a date. Arin hopes that the red on his face isn't obvious as they continue to laugh and share stories over sushi.

-

"Hey!"

Arin's out the door probably less than five feet, when he hears Dan's voice call back out to him.

"You're welcome back anytime, you know," Dan shuffles his feet. "Just in case you wanted to, uh, come back, like, anytime."

Arin smiles. "I'd love that." 

They make eye contact for a while, to the point where Arin's made up his mind. He walks briskly back to Dan, who seems a bit perplexed by Arin's movements. Arin brings Dan into a hug, squeezing tightly.

After a brief moment, Dan hugs him back. They hug for a solid five seconds until they both let go.

Arin laughs a little. "Sorry, it felt right."

"Don't be sorry, silly." Dan waves him off.

Arin turns back around, walking towards his car. Somehow, this feels wrong, walking away from Dan, even though he knows that that is exactly what is supposed to happen.

"Hey! Looking forward to our next date!" Dan calls out, and Arin's glad that he's turned away, because he'd otherwise see the dark flush on his face.

-

Later, at home, Arin finds in his bag a piece of paper that wasn't there before. Once he sees what it says though, he can't stop himself from squealing and jumping from excitement.

_1-909-XXX-XXX call me? xoxo Dan_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo! the reveal of dan's girlfriend, to me, is great and lovely! i probably won't stop writing fics, because these fics are just for fun lol. there's a difference between fiction and reality, and I feel that I can respect dan's relationship while also writing things that make me happy (aka this and other gg fics)
> 
> p.s. i totally didn't know how to end this chapter so uh if it seems awkward its because. i just didn't know what to do. lol

vii.  
I was a girl caught under your thumb  
But my star's gonna shine brighter than your sun  
And I will reach so high,  
Shoot so far  
Gonna hit, gonna hit, hit every target

-

"Hey, you got sunshine shooting out of your ass, man."

Arin turns around in his swivel chair to stare blankly at Ross.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Never mind," Ross waves it off. "Mind if we talk real quick? It's a serious thing."

Arin raises his eyebrow. He's been working on the Ninja Sex Party animation for the past couple days, ever since he first met the band in person. It's kind of been non-stop, but he can't help it! The ideas are coming and going, and he needs to get them down. He's been taking care of himself more and more, too, so he does feel energized enough to do so. Plus, he finds that he actually finds it to be more fun than work, which is a real change, presumably from the very helpful epiphany that he had while at the Ninja Sex Party office. He can afford to take a break just for a bit, he guesses, and nods.

Ross then smiles and plops down in the chair next to Arin at the work desk.

Usually, though, Ross doesn't start the serious talks. Arin furrows his eyebrows, thinking about what he could even bring up. Hopefully Ross didn't make a giant mess that's going to need a lot of money and time to clean up, because goddammit Ross, we don't have time for that kind of mess right now.

"Listen, your work - is this chair really short, or what?" Arin glares at him, and Ross nods quickly. "Okay, yeah, yeah, get to the point. Okay. Uh."

Ross fiddles with his thumbs. Arin raises an eyebrow.

"Look, you've been really - how should I put this...? Do you, uh, mind if I say this? Might be a little... yikes... but I'm just telling the truth."

"Yeah, dude, go for it." Arin leans back in his chair.

"See, whenever you're working, I always get this feeling that you're..." Ross waves his hands around, gesturing randomly. "... not exactly feeling your best. I know you love doing your thing and all... but..." Ross scratches the back of his neck. "You know how it is, as creators. You have to get your work done, even if you have to push your creativity limit and even yourself."

"Your point?" Arin crosses his arms. He's already had an epiphany about this.

"Look," Ross sighs. "I don't know what happened, but you've been working non-stop like you have to get this thing out of you. And I was worried for a bit that you were pushing yourself... but, you, uh..."

Ross looks down at the ground.

"You've actually doing better than I've ever seen you, animating or not."

Arin blinks.

"Like, you're always pushing yourself to do your best, and to do that 'best' perfectly! It's just you, the perfectionist, being you, I guess. Whatever. It's actually kind of interesting, but we'll talk about that another time. And uh... fuck. Where were we? Oh yeah! And it's really hard on you, trying to be a perfectionist in every aspect, but... it looks like you've motivated and really... happy doing so. You don't look so stressed out anymore."

"Thanks, Ross. I... appreciate that."

"Just-" Ross shakes his head. "I'm not done."

"Oh?"

"I don't know what it is that gave you this, but. I'm glad it did. We're friends, right?"

"Right..."

"And we look out for each other. And, I just want you to know that I'm proud that you're doing better. I just really want you to be happy and healthy, dude. I'm really proud of you. And whatever it is that makes you feel this way, I hope it sticks around for you."

Arin smiles, as Ross gets up, presumably to leave to do his own work.

"I hope so, too, Ross. I hope so, too."

-

Arin thinks that Ross is, surprisingly, quite accurate in his observations, because now, Arin really does feel like he's actually feeling much more positive about himself than he's ever been.

He doesn't wake up feeling drained of all his energy, but he feels as if he's filled with energy, enough to get everything done.

And get everything done he does. He brushes his teeth, washes his face, eats breakfast, all of those normal people things. Then, he sits down to the thing he loves most in the most meaningful project that he's taken on yet.

And that's the thing, right? He's happy. He's doing what he loves. Isn't that what everyone wanted?

That's what he's had all this time, but he only just realized it, with the help of his new friend.

The journey to self-love is a long and hard one, but Arin thinks that he's at the end of the journey, finally at the destination.

-

Dan Avidan is a huge flirt.

Like, Arin's pretty sure he's flirting with him now, but he does it to everyone, so he's pretty sure it's just a joke. Dan's personality just seems to be that way, playful and flirty. It's actually quite cute, but you'd never catch Arin admitting that to anyone.

Still, it doesn't stop him from flushing every time Dan says anything to him that's even a step away from platonic.

He really doesn't think he's gay, though. I mean, that's just how he reacts when really anyone flirts with him. It's not a gender-specific thing. It's just how he reacts.

He's really not sure anymore. He used to be teased for being gay, just because he was a feminine dude. That's just how it was back then, and he's glad he didn't stick around for all of high school. Otherwise, he just knows it would have been worse. Kids can learn to be very intolerant of people's differences, and Arin knew that, way before high school started.

He's never thought of being gay as an actual possibility for him, though. He's always thought himself to be straight, but he's actually starting to consider otherwise. He's a little scared of it, though.

If he really is, then he's proving those bullies right. Because the truth is? Before he questioned his sexuality, he had forgotten all about that bullying. But now he's remembering it, remembering it as one of the worst parts of his childhood. And now, it's all flowing back, into his brain which still remembers those voices and those words... He remembers saying that he was straight, that there was no way he could ever be into other boys...

Arin shakes his head. Most people aren't homophobic anymore - and those who are, don't make a huge mess of it or else they're torn down pretty quickly. Society has changed for the better since Arin's childhood.

Maybe Arin has, too.

-

"So, how do you feel about the birthday controversy?"

On the screen, Dan's smile twitched.

"It's a bit ridiculous to start rumors over it, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but you know how the internet is." The interviewer smiled, her look filled with a tinge of sympathy but mostly intrigue.

"Filled with people that are too nosy for their own good?"

"Careful what you say there," she laughs. "Some people will cling to your every word."

Dan leans back in his chair and lets out a dramatic sigh.

"You know..."

The interviewer leans forward, evidently interested in how he was going to respond.

"I don't see how this is even a big deal. What is this all going to prove, anyway? There's nothing of importance there to discover. It's just a freaking birthday."

"Even if..." she started, as Dan sits back up straight to make eye contact with her. "Even if the year and date is the same date?"

"Get this." Dan speaks up, tone of voice dark and serious. "There are people out there, starving, dying, being raped, being persecuted, being targeted, for a multitude of reasons. So many people are going through things, protesting, trying to do things that are bad, or even trying to fix their and other people's mistakes."

The interviewer blinks, evidently in shock at Dan's sudden takeover of control in the conversation.

"The thing is, none of this matters." He gestures vaguely at the situation.

"It doesn't-?"

"It doesn't matter. There's people out there suffering and dying, and we're sitting here, talking about something so ridiculously stupid. We're trying to - trying to wipe out rumors, people are taking their time to create pages and pages upon fan theories. I'm not even just talking about me; this is the entertainment industry. It's distracting us from what's right."

"And," the interviewer cuts in. "What's that?"

"Making the world a better place. Speaking out. You're sitting here," he points to her, and she seems taken aback. "I'm sitting here, everyone out there is sitting there, and talking about shit that doesn't even fucking matter." The curses are bleeped out, but Arin knows what he said.

"So, yeah, I have the same birthday, literally, as another celebrity." He rubs his temple with one of his hands. "Who cares?"

"Alright, so we have Daniel Avidan, everyone, from Ninja Sex Party..." It zooms in on the interview and her perplexed face, but Arin can clearly hear someone's footsteps walking away with a bit of fury.

Jesus Christ.

-

Arin doesn't think that it's ever crossed his mind that Dan had the same birthday as Leigh.

But watching that video made him check again, and yeah.

They do.

Arin supposes that Dan is right, that there are more important issues to settle rather than a celebrity coincidence. Besides, people are born every day. It's just a remarkable coincidence that they happened to be born the same day and became famous singers.

Arin first found the video on Dan's twitter, where he wrote, "I might have been frustrated here, not angry or anything. but hopefully I get my point across. thanks to Kristen for being a sport about it!" in a retweet of said interview.

Honestly? Arin thinks that Dan was pretty brave to speak on it. He doesn't exactly have an agent or anything, so he's not being told exactly what to say. Still, it seems that he knows the general idea of what to say while also not having to stray away from any particular subjects. Good for him!

Dan's also been pretty open about his beliefs online, too.

Like, interactions with fans have blown up, been screenshotted, the whole nine yards.

-

 **bro that's gay** @ahahrom: _replying to @danny__avidan_ okay but yeah trans women are killed probably on a daily basis at this point

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @ahahrom_ exactly! trans women are absolutely undeserving of what the world is showing them right now.

 **Ellie Schomn** @EllieSchomn: _replying to @ahahrom @danny__avidan_ yes you're so right i'm so tired of being disgusting in other people's eyes

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @ahahrom @EllieSchomn_ you're gorgeous, hun! don't let them get you down!

 **Ellie Schomn** @EllieSchomn: _replying to @ahahrom @danny__avidan_ i'm crying what the fuck i love you danny!!!

-

 **Julian Chrisen** @JulianChrisen: _replying to @danny__avidan_ Oh my god are you fucking serious? trying to be politically correct? just lost a fan

 **andrew** @Weenie__Tree: _replying to @JulianChrisen @danny__avidan_ get the fuck out of here no one cares about your shitty ass opinion

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @JulianChrisen_ good riddance

 **Vincent** @vinnyboyzz: _replying to @JulianChrisen @danny__avidan_ holy fuck get fucking wrecked, julian

-

 **Mason** @masons_iconic: _replying to @danny__avidan_ okay but how have we been sleeping on danny he's an lgbt icon

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @masons_icon_ man, an icon? i'm just trying to be a good person

 **Mason** @masons_iconic: _replying to @danny__avidan_ okay but respect

 **drew :p** @guidersenr: _replying to @danny__avidan @masons_iconic_ why cant more celebrities be like this and decline icon status instead of asking for gold stars from us whenever they 'accept' us?

 **Daniel** @dannnnsss: _replying to @guidersenr @danny__avidan @masons_iconic_ not to be like this but you know why,,, real homophobia and transphobia amirite

 **drew :p** @guidersenr: _replying to @dannnnsss @danny__avidan @masons_iconic_ bet,

-

 **marg** @lovelymarggg: i'm claiming danny as a gay icon. i mean, support for the lgbt community, handsome looks, great guy overall... he even types in lowercase like,,,, icon,,,,

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @lovelymargg_ okay but who has time for proper grammar on social media?

 **marg** @lovelymarggg: _replying to @danny__avidan_ mood also i love you

-

Cautiously, Arin raises his hands to the keyboard.

-

 **Arin Hanson** @egoraptor: _replying to @danny__avidan_ all I have to say is that you're amazing.

-

It's only been a minute since he wrote it, but it's picking up huge traction already.

-

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @egoraptor_ well, i'm rather flattered. also? it's you that's amazing.

 **Gabby** @gabbychapprel: _replying to @egoraptor @danny__avidan_ that's gay!

 **sienna** @sennobserven: _replying to @egoraptor @danny__avidan @gabbychapprel_ otp!!!!! it's egoraptor and sexbang,, egobang!!

 **Gabby** @gabbychapprel: _replying to @egoraptor @danny__avidan @gabbychapprel_ holy shit you're right

-

Arin's phone buzzes on the table. He picks it up, to find a text.

-

 **Dan** : no, seriously, you're amazing.

-

Arin presses his lips together, trying to figure out the best way to respond. This was their first conversation via text, because technically, sending him a message saying, _oh hey, this is Arin, haha,_ shouldn't really count as a conversation. Dan had responded with a smiling emoji, and that was it.

Arin decides to go the humorous route.

-

 **me:** uh. no u?

 ****Dan:**** I can't believe you're springing the memes on me already. is this how our relationship is going to be?

-

Arin lets out a laugh.

**-**

******me:****** i'll send you all the memes bro

 ********Dan:******** okay, meme lord

********-** ** ** **

For the first time that Arin had that gay panic, he thinks he feels at ease thinking about Dan.

It's confusing, it's strange, and it's still something that he has to get over, but honestly? He's not sure what being in love with a guy is like. He just knows that he's blessed to have Dan Avidan in his life, in whatever way that happens to be.

And you know what? If he does end up falling for him, then, well, he's glad it's someone like Dan.

-

 **********me:** ********I'm almost done with the animations; when I'm done, I'll let you know so I can bring it to your office!

 **********Dan:********** holy shit! fuck yeah! I'm so excited!

 **********me:** ********yeah?

 **********Dan:** ********dude! i cannot wait to get you inside me ;0

********-** ** ** **

Arin's suddenly glad that there's a pillow in his lap, because otherwise.... well, he doesn't want to accidentally look down and see... _that_.

-

 **********me:********** i can't believe you just said that right now

 **********Dan:** ********Sorry, too forward, bro? A little too gay for you?

-

Arin's not sure how to respond.

Luckily, he doesn't have to.

-

 **********Dan:** ********lmao sorry i'm just like this sometimes.

 **********Dan:** ********let me know when you're gonna come over! :D i'm super stoked

-

Arin lets out a smile, despite himself.

-

 **me:** me too. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit rough, kind of shorter than all the previous chapters, kind of a filler chapter, but hopefully the ending's intriguing xoxo
> 
> also arin hanson like? totally read my message + my name during his kingdom hearts stream at about 1 am PST or something and i think i screamed honestly? like. wow. i love him
> 
> anyway hope you enjoy this short chapter <3

viii.  
Make it count this time  
I will make it count this time

-

The notifications keep pouring in for a few more days.

It's everything from just general weird comments to speculation about the relationship between the two men. Arin's pretty sure this always happens with people that he interacts with on social media, but he usually ignores the comments. But this time, seeing those kinds of comments further makes him feel more confused about his feelings towards Dan. 

He's never had a crush on a guy before. He can appreciate when a guy looks nice, but he doesn't think he's ever been attracted to one.

So what is this, what is it between Arin and Dan? Is Dan just someone who's crazy attractive and Arin's just picking up on that? What's the difference between thinking someone's cute and thinking that kissing said person would be really nice? And even if he wanted to kiss Dan, could boys kissing other boys be platonic? Honestly, he's not really sure. What's the difference between platonic love and romantic love?

Why is this even so hard in the first place? He's always been sure if he had feelings for a girl, so why is this so difficult for him? Arin shakes his head. Was it possible that he did like guys? Maybe he could like people all across the gender spectrum. Maybe it's not really a gender thing to him.

Arin's not sure what to think anymore.

-

As he wraps up the little bits and pieces of the animations, something else decides to pop into his eyesight and not leave him alone.

The Commission.

It's not just any old commission. It's The Commission; in his head, Arin can almost feel the capitalization that separates it from anything else he's ever done. He wakes up one morning intending to head straight into work, when the old sketches he created nearly a month ago catches his eye on his work desk.

And unfortunately for Arin, once it enters his eyesight, it doesn't seem to want to leave. As a matter of fact, it doesn't leave his mind either.

Somewhere on his computer, there's a digital file of his progress on drawing himself.

Somewhere in his mind, Arin hopes that his finished artwork will be somewhere in Dan's house where he can see it on a daily basis. Arin thinks it's a bit far-fetched, but he doesn't want someone like Dan to ever forget him. It's selfish, it's preposterous, and maybe even a bit contradictory to his initial thoughts surrounding Dan, but he wants to keep a special place in Dan's heart, in Dan's life. 

-

 **me** : are you guys in your office right now?

 **Dan** : yeah! come on over!

-

Unlike last time, Arin doesn't take the time beforehand to get lost in his thoughts. So instead, he's here in front of the Ninja Sex Party office, fist raised up to knock.

But now, his brain decides to take the time right here instead to hesitate.

Fist still raised, his heart beats faster and his throat starts to slowly constrict. He's not sure what else to do except just stand there, as he feels as if he's stuck in time.

Arin takes a deep breath.

His fist lands on the door in a single loud knock.

He thinks he's getting better at this: letting go. He's turning into a better person, someone who wants to get better. He doesn't think a perfect human exists, but he sure as hell is gonna try his best to overcome his faults. He's not going to let himself be talked down to, even by himself. The past came and left, and now he's here, trying to make sense of the world around him when all he needs to do is take a deep breath and step forward.

The door opens.

This time, it's Dan at the door, dressed in a blue kimono. Arin blinks, evidently not expecting that due to the simple, casual look with a t-shirt and jeans from the last time he was here.

"Hey, man. How's it going?" Dan smiles softly, yet genuinely.

His heart starts to flutter a bit. Arin breaks out into a nervous smile, holding up the flashdrive that was in his hand.

"Oh, just... excited that this is ready."

Dan's wide grin at that statement fills him with more confidence.

-

Before he knows it, he's sitting in what he thinks is the same chair that he was sitting in only a couple weeks ago. The only difference is that he's the one showing Dan what he created, and Brian's here along for the ride. Arin thinks to himself that technically he's also showing Brian what he created too, but the little voice at the back of his mind tells him that there's someone special that he made it for, someone special that he remembered those late nights trying to do as much as he could before he lost the energy and inspiration.

"Dude, I'm so fucking pumped to see this."

"I mean," Arin laughed a bit. "Hopefully you'll like it?"

"If it's anything like your other animations, I'm sure it's going to be great." Brian let out a small smile. Arin shot him a smile back in a friendly manner.

The animation starts to play.

Arin had been given the audio and been told which parts needed animations, so the video was set up to have a black screen wherever there was a live-action footage. Instead, the animations showed up exactly when it was supposed to on the screen.

Arin's seen it all, being the creator, so he glances back and forth between the two musicians. Dan's in the middle of the two of them, Arin on the left and Brian on the right. Arin sees Brian nod at certain points and even crack a grin at some of the funnier bits of the animation. Overall, the older man seems pleased with the project, and Arin feels a sort of internal gratification in knowing he had impressed someone so knowledgeable and intimidating.

But Dan?

Dan's eyes were glued to the screen, his jaw slightly open. He looked mesmerized by what was on screen, as if it was the most intense eye-opening experience in his life. To Arin, it felt like his entire face had lit up in child-like wonder at the sight before him. It was endearing in a way, but Arin felt only his heart pounding against his chest at what he saw.

Arin knows that Dan being a singer and musician means that he's an artist, but he can't help but think that maybe the real art that Dan has created is himself. Arin's drawn Dan more times in his life than he can even count; he thinks it might even rival his plethora of drawings of Leigh. Arin's very familiar with the physical attributes of Dan's face, but it now feels that Dan's glowing through his skin, somehow becoming more beautiful than he or anyone else could ever be in Arin's eyes.

If Dan is art, then Arin wants to capture said art at its most beautiful moment. And Arin can't even imagine a moment where Dan could be more beautiful.

The animation ends, and the black screen shows up.

"Dude!" 

Arin looks sideways at Dan, who's staring intently at the computer screen still as if it was somehow still going, maybe through his head. 

"That's fucking awesome!!"

Arin looks sideways; Brian is amused, raising an eyebrow at Dan, who seems to be still trapped in a dream-like state.

"Can agree. Was fucking awesome. Nice work, Arin."

"Not just fucking awesome, but-" Dan runs his mouth and jumps up suddenly. Brian seems unfazed, simply moving his chair back, but Arin jumps a bit, startled by the man's sudden movements. "But it's the best fucking thing I've ever seen! The dinosaurs looked so nice, and your little voice-acting bit was so cute! You're a fucking star, Arin Hanson, the fucking best!"

Arin watches Dan jump around the office yelling in joy. Brian's off to the side, shaking his head at his band-mate's silliness, but Arin can't wipe the grin off his face either. But it's not because of the animation.

Arin thinks he _actually_ might be gay or something. Maybe bi. Who knows.

Either way, he's pretty sure he's _in love_ with Dan Avidan.

Fuck.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ay. what's up. short chapter, but hopefully enough to keep you entertained. xoxo

ix.  
This is my kiss goodbye  
You can stand alone and watch me fly  
'Cause nothing's keeping me down  
I'm gonna let it all out  
Come on and say right now, right now, right now

-

It's like high school all over again, because Arin's almost hopelessly in love with Dan even though his chances with him are quite slim.

He's not sure how much of this he can handle. He's checking social media at any chance that he gets, he constantly checks his phone for texts from Dan, and his brain is cluttered with thoughts of the man. His entire life right now is just filled with Dan, Dan, and Dan; he's fallen hard for his friend, and he's not sure what to do about it.

What might happen is that his head might explode into a million pieces.

Every single " _hey ;)_ " and any other sort of flirtatious message that he gets from Dan might just make Arin go crazy; is it just Dan's personality, or does this mean he actually has a chance with that gorgeous man? Arin doesn't know what to think, but he's stuck in this heavenly hellhole.

In any case, he's not even sure if Dan's attracted to males. Is it all just that thing straight males typically do by making sexual jokes to their friends? And even if he was, would Dan be into someone like him? Arin's sort of over it, he thinks to himself, but he is a large man. He's not what he would consider dead drop gorgeous to himself, so even thinking that someone like Dan, that handsome yet beautiful man, would ever be interested in someone like him is baffling to even consider. The fact that they're friends is something that he already thanks the gods for; he wouldn't give this up for anything.

Still, Arin's heart still beats quickly at the thought of Dan being perhaps more than a friend.

-

They get sushi together again, except this time, it's at an actual sushi restaurant in Little Tokyo instead of just takeout.

When they first sit down, they're at a table sitting next to each other with the corner separating them. They laugh and talk about whatever comes to mind. It's quite pleasant and they actually lose track of time, maybe spending close to two hours there.

As time passes, Dan gets closer and closer to Arin, nudging closer without Arin noticing what he's doing.

By the time that they leave, Arin can't stop thinking about the way that Dan seemed to be hovering over him or the way that Dan's body heat felt against himself.

-

Dinosaur Laser Fight's music video gets released.

Arin watches it in full, Ross eagerly watching at his side. He knows that he did the animations, he heard the song, and he's seen clips of the live action parts. But to watch it all in full, to see it all put together? It's something beautiful. And to think that he had actually taken part in that, taken part in something that Ninja Sex Party created, it just kicked in for Arin.

And when Arin sees the message at the end, his heart skips a beat in awe.

_our best friend EGORAPTOR_

That sweet moment comes to a stop when Ross nudges his arm and wiggles his eyebrows. After a playful punch to the arm, the whole thing is forgotten for a while.

But later, as he's mindlessly cooking himself lunch, he remembers.

He almost drops the frying pan.

(His face is only red because of the heat that comes with cooking. _Obviously._ )

-

It's another interview with Dan.

Yes, he's probably watched all of these. Multiple times. But still, they're pretty amusing to watch. This one has all the typical questions, and Dan answers with ease and skill.

"So, uhm," the guy rests his clipboard on his lap. "Seeing anyone special lately?"

Arin, who had been mindlessly sketching the entire time, found himself glued to the computer screen.

"Oh?" Dan smiled. "Whatever could you mean?"

"Oh, you know," the guy smirks a bit. "Do you have a special someone in your life?"

There's a bit of a pause, which Arin suspects to have purposefully been made by Dan in order to create a suspenseful moment with a dramatic pause.

"Well, I do have someone I consider special."

"Oh, ho ho!" The guy laughed. "So you are! She's a lucky woman."

Dan laughed along with the interviewer. "If only they knew they were the special someone."

"Wanna give us a hint? Maybe then we'll figure it out along with whoever this person is."

Dan shook his head.

"Not even a small one?"

"One day, you'll know who it is."

Then, the interview brings up another topic for the two of them to talk to.

On the other side of the screen, many thoughts are running through Arin's brain while the talking fades into the background noise of his own mind.

-

Arin starts to come to terms with his thoughts after letting them all run around for a while.

Dan's his friend. That's a given. It's a surprising given, but still a given.

And if he manages to get with Dan, then woah. Awesome. Ideal. Maybe a bit too unrealistic, but, man, a guy's gotta dream.

But with all that said, if Dan remains his friend, and only his friend, then that'd be okay. Arin feels like these weeks of him quietly pining for his friend from a distance has worked out pretty well. If Dan finds a girl, then cool. If Arin gets over this, then cool. And if both of those things don't happen, well, he's already had luck favor him by letting such a great guy into his life and be his friend.

And if his fate is to sit here quietly in love with his friend, then so be it.

-

Arin knows Ross. He's a troublemaker, for sure. But beyond that, he's a pretty nice guy. A bit impulsive, but in the end, he's a decent dude. They've been friends for years, and there's very few memories from a time where Ross isn't a part of his life.

So it's honestly not a surprise when Ross casually makes a comment at the table out of nowhere.

It is, however, a surprise what comes out of his mouth. And the time and place he decided to say it.

"I'm bisexual."

Those words were said at a time of silence, when Arin was eating his food in peace. He hadn't even been aware that Ross was even in the room, as his back was facing the doorway.

So, when Arin jumps, Ross jumps back.

"Woah, dude. You okay?"

"Besides the fact you scared the shit out of me? Yeah."

Then there's a bit more silence.

"Did you say..."

Ross nods.

Arin stares at Ross blankly. "Cool."

"Is... is that it?"

"What did you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Maybe ask me how, ask me when I knew, ask me about it. I don't know!"

"Well, I _am_ mad! I'm mad you fucking scared the shit out of me to tell me something like that. It's super anti-climatic!"

Ross shrugs. "Okay, fuck, sorry. I just saw you sitting there and I felt the urge to tell you. And then I did! Oops."

"Yeah, well, don't do that to me again. You can tell me things, just not in that manner."

Ross sits down in the chair, and Arin continues to eat for a few seconds in silence.

"Uh," Arin looks up from his food. "For what it's worth, uhm. I... might be, too? Bisexual, I mean."

"Ooh! Bisexual solidarity! High-five!"

A glare from Arin makes Ross slowly put down his hand in glum obedience.

-

"Wait, does this mean that you really are in love with Dan? I mean, I totally thought that maybe you were, but I wasn't sure. But thinking about it now, yeah, I think you're in love with him. That's how you figured it out, right? That you were bi? He's probably a lot of people's gay awakening. I mean, if I were straight, I'd totally go gay for him, like-"

"Ross, please, I'm trying to eat here."

-

 **Dan <3**: hey wanna hang out?

 ****Dan <3**: **maybe like. wednesday.

 ******me**** : **oh, sure! where you wanna go?

 ******Dan <3**: ****oh, uh

 ******me** :**** ?

 ******Dan <3**: ****I was thinking maybe? At your place?

 ******Dan <3**: ****If ross doesn't mind, of course.

 ******Dan <3**: ****I'd hate to think i was intruding.

 ******me** : ****uh

 ******Dan <3**: ****if not, we can go to the mall or something. cool with that too.

 ******me** :**** well, Ross is out that day, actually,

 ******me** : ****so you wouldn't be intruding.

 ******Dan <3**: ****awesome! i'll pop over around noon. :)

-

Arin tells his heart to stop freaking out. God, it's like he's a teenager who's freaking out over his first date.

Not that this is a date or anything. That's ridiculous.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back babeys!! includes some gays, some sleeping, some flirting, some hints, some social media shenanigans, and some suzy + (kind of) ross interactions! all u could ever want
> 
> sorry this took so long (i can't believe it's been three months omg...)! i'm stressed with college classes and fees ahhhh but hope y'all are doing okay!
> 
> here's another chapter. i worked hard on this, and i hope you love this. i think it's a bit longer than usual, but y'all deserve it! <3

x.  
This is my big hello  
'Cause I'm here and never letting go  
I can finally see,  
It's not just a dream  
When you set it all free, all free, all free

-

On second thought, it shouldn't really surprise him, but it still manages to make him do a double take at his computer screen anyways.

Arin's only vaguely familiar with fanfiction -- he's not really a huge fan of reading it and he never really has been much for fanfiction anyway. So, once he's seen the cute art, later down the line, his first reaction is something that could almost be described as horror when he finds that people write fanfiction about real people - not just that, but about him.

People write fanfiction about him.

And Danny.

Together.

He knew that people were thinking that things between the two were more than platonic (which, he guesses, isn't necessarily wrong based on his recent revelation, but no one knows that anyway). But up until that point, he had thought it simply a joke, that people were just making fun of their blooming relationship.

Arin doesn't think Dan minds, though.

In fact, Dan actually seems to think it's funny.

-

Dan retweets one of the better pieces of artwork.

The fans lose their minds, and Arin, in the privacy of his own home, begins to wonder if he's tempting the fangirls on purpose or if he knows the way his new friend longs for him (and feels the same...?).

Or maybe he's just an oblivious idiot. Yeah. It certainly can't be the former; Dan's not that type of person. And Arin's sure that the latter can't possibly be true.

-

Arin reads one of the fics.

It's short, and there's not a lot of them, which Arin thanks the stars for. It's just something cute, domestic, and just... Nothing too bad, actually. Arin catches himself smiling at the end of it.

Would it be weird if he did sort of imagine things like that in his free time?

-

Arin dreams about being kissed by an angel with beautiful brown locks of hair, the two of them giggling and laughing into their kisses.

-

Arin hears the knock on the door, and knows immediately that it's Dan.

He rushes out of his room, almost falling over from the fact that his body wasn't prepared to be flung through the air like this. He skitters to a stop in front of the door, stopping only to pat down his clothes. He's just wearing a casual large-ish shirt (at least for him) with some obscure anime he's pretty sure he's never watched (hey, it was on sale at Hot Topic, plus the girls on it were cute, okay?) and some sweatpants. But he doesn't want to look like a mess in front of Dan, the most beautiful and most wonderful man he's ever had the pleasure of kn-

He opens the door before his thoughts can trail off into the distance forever.

Arin first sees Dan's smile, and knows that he's definitely in deep now, if he wasn't before.

"Hey, dude! Looking good. Can I come in?"

 _Yes_ , Arin thinks as he nods wildly, _always_.

-

"Are you kidding? You've never played Super Mario 64?"

Arin had been showing Dan his collection of games that he had collected over the years, and Dan picked up the game with confusion. They were on the couch, Arin looking at his friend with a gobsmacked expression.

"This might come as a surprise, but I'm not a master of video games, unlike you. I took a break from video games a couple years back, and that's definitely a game that I missed." Dan giggled a bit. "Oh, don't look at me like that."

"We have to play it now." Arin pulls out his consoles, completely ignoring the compliment (at least, he thinks it was supposed to be a compliment?). He only had the more recent consoles out to play with, but there was no way he wasn't going to show Dan the true experience of Mario 64.

"Wow, insistent, huh?"

"I love this game. It's not the best game, but it was at the time. You need to experience this."

Dan blinks at first, and then laughs. "Well, now you've got me interested. Go ahead, then. Show me the glory that is this Mario game."

-

"Are you. Kidding me." Arin growls as he watches Mario fall off the side of the stage. He feels Dan collapse against him in a fit of laughter, and for a moment, the anger subsides. His heart feels... calmer, somehow.

"Man, what a masterpiece." Dan, still laughing, seems to have finally started breathing again. "Surprised you haven't screamed curses yet."

"Ahaha, I usually do." Arin rubbed the back of his head. "I just... didn't want you to think I was..." He cuts himself off as he jumps back into the stage. "I don't know. Never mind."

"... Arin?"

Arin bites his lips. "Uh, yeah?"

"You don't have to try to impress me. I already think you're cool." Dan pats his back. "You seem like you want to get really grumpy. And believe me, watching you try to contain your anger is funny, but probably not the best idea. Don't want you to burst from it."

"Yeah? You... You really think I'm cool?"

"Is that all you gleaned from that?" Dan smacks Arin's arm. "Shouldn't it be obvious that I already wanted you inside me- my bed?"

Dan starts cracking up at his joke and Arin laughs along.

Still, his heart jumps, knowing his friend, his crush, is here with him, at this very moment.

-

"Motherfucker!!! Dumb ass Mario, piece of shit, garbage ass-"

"Arin! I know I said just let your anger out, but Jesus Christ, the neighbors might call the police!"

-

So that's how the afternoon continues, with Arin raging at the game while Dan comments and makes conversation. Arin had originally been worried about playing this game, because he felt that maybe he might get mad like he's doing right now. But Dan seems to be amused by it, if his fits of laughter are anything to go off of. It's honestly fun, despite the dumbassery that this game is. There's obviously some chemistry here, whether it's platonic or... something more. At the very least, no one can deny that.

But he notices that the conversation on Dan's side is starting to dwindle, and without Dan talking, the silence in the room is starting to weird him out. All he can hear is the sound of Mario grunting his way through the levels.

After a while of no talking, Arin turns his head, about to say something, but...

Dan's asleep.

He's on his side, eyes closed while his body is faced towards him. He looks like he's comfortable, mouth slightly open with his relaxed jaw. Now, Arin takes the chance to take in Dan's appearance. He didn't want to stare, didn't want to make it obvious that he had a total huge crush on the older man. But now, looking at Dan, he doesn't know how someone could ever be so beautiful.

"Dan," Arin whispers. "Are you..."

Dan's eyes suddenly open. He rubs them and straightens his posture, letting out a weak, sleep-deprived laugh.

"Ah, sorry. Was half-asleep there."

"Oh, uhm," Arin chuckles. "It's fine! It's a... pretty comfortable couch, so... understandable."

Dan's eyes glance back at the screen.

"Are you still on this level?"

"Okay, I got one star, but otherwise, yes." Arin pouts. "This is the stupidest Mario level in the whole world."

Dan's soft laughter makes him want to spend the rest of his life, here, in this moment. He doesn't consider himself the jealous type, and this isn't because of jealousy at all, but he really just wants to keep Dan all to himself. He wants to hold this feeling close to him for the rest of eternity.

-

Arin doesn't really have the brain capacity in the moment to realize that his own eyes are starting to droop, too.

-

Arin slowly blinks, opening his eyes to see Mario sleeping on the floor of the castle.

At first, he's confused. He doesn't really remember closing his eyes, not to mention falling asleep. He must have been really tired, or something.

Then he's suddenly hyper-aware of what's surrounding him, or, more accurately, what's on him.

Somehow, Arin found himself on his back, lying on the couch, with a very heavy Dan on him. His head is on Arin's chest, and Arin can feel his heart wildly thumping. He breathes slowly, trying to calm down before Dan wakes up.

Dan's feet are on the ground, but his upper body is curled up on top of him, as if he wasn't planning on moving any time soon.

Fuck.

Arin's eyes start to droop again.

(He definitely didn't get enough sleep last night. He also definitely did not stay awake because he was too excited. Definitely not.)

-

"Pst. Arin."

Arin feels something poke his chest. He opens his eyes slightly to see that he's lying on the couch while Dan's crouched next to him on the ground.

"Wha- what's happening?" Arin murmurs.

"We - well, just..." Dan trips over his words. "You fell asleep playing that Mario game."

Arin drowsily stands up from the couch while Dan follows suit. Arin rubs at his eyes, unsure of how long he was asleep. He grabs his phone off the table to check the time, not really paying attention to anything else at that point.

"Hey, uh, Arin."

"Yeah?"

"Where's your bathroom?"

Arin blinks. Oh. That must be why he woke him up.

"Uh... around that corner," Arin points. "First door on your left."

"Thanks."

Dan scurries off.

Arin looks back at his phone. It's been about three hours since they'd sat down to play Mario. They'd forgotten entirely about lunch. Maybe Dan had eaten before coming over, but Arin only had a small breakfast. So he's certainly not surprised that his stomach is growling to tell him to put something in his stomach or else.

Huh. Dan didn't mention that he had also fallen asleep...

Arin shrugs and walks into the kitchen.

-

Arin doesn't really remember much but he does faintly recall seeing Dan's sleeping face in front of his. He's not sure how to process this. It was almost... romantic. But it wasn't exactly cuddling or spooning or anything. Just two bros... sleeping. Zero feet from each other. That doesn't mean it has to be romantic at all.

-

"Hey, Arin."

Dan's voice softly reaches Arin, who's leaning on the counter and raising his eyes to the man entering the room. Dan's casual posture and lidded eyes makes Arin feel like relaxing and taking another nap, even though he knows it's bad for his sleep schedule.

"Hey. I'm ordering food through Postmates right now. Did you... did you want to order with me?"

"Oh, Postmates?" Dan smiles. "Yeah! What did you have in mind?"

Arin smiles nervously. "Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted sushi. I've been eating it a lot recently, and I'm still craving it."

"At least it's good, right? And yeah, I'm down for sushi."

Arin nods. "Cool."

"Hey, do you mind..." Dan trails off, and Arin looks up from his phone to see him pointing at the freshly washed cups on the counter.

"Oh, uh..."

"Sorry, that was vague. Just kind of wanted some water, you know."

"Yeah. Help yourself. Could you grab me a cup, too, while you're at it?"

"Totally, dude."

-

It's kind of obvious that Dan wants to say something.

It's been a couple minutes of silence, although it's not really awkward at all. There's no pressure to speak, but they're just eating their sushi and enjoying each other's company silently. They sit next to each other at the kitchen table, only about half a foot away from each other.

But Arin sees Dan glancing sideways at him once in a while, as if he's trying to bring something up but is unsure of how to do so.

"Hey, Arin."

Arin raises his head, about to take a bite of sushi but instead looks at Dan expectedly.

"Yeah, Dan?"

"Can... do you think.... can sushi just be our thing?"

Arin can feel his puzzlement spread across his face.

"Our... thing?"

"Yeah!" Dan smiles a bit. "You know, like a tradition. We keep hanging out and eating sushi together, so might as well make it official."

Arin blinks a bit. That... wasn't quite what he expected (not that he was expecting anything in particular, of course). But he can tell that Dan's being earnest, just by hearing the inflection in his voice and the sincerity behind his words.

"Yeah, of course, dude."

Dan's smile at that makes him turn away a bit and put another bite of sushi into his mouth, trying to will the heat in his face away.

-

"Why are you so mean, oh my god!"

"I'm not being mean, Arin!"

"Yeah, you are. You're making fun of me!"

"It is funny! You fell asleep! Playing video games!"

"How is that funny?!"

"It just is!! ... because... you know. Mario also fell asleep. You- I mean, he's... Yeah, he's cute sleeping."

-

The sushi's long gone by now, but it wouldn't matter anyway, because the only thing Arin can see is Dan Avidan.

-

"You were a big fan of Leigh, huh?"

Arin gulps at the sudden change of tone and conversation, but finds himself unable to tear his gaze away from Dan's wistful yet piercing eyes. The previous topic of conversation had dwindled, and a moment of silence had occurred until Dan broke it with the question already with answer. _Does he want me to confirm what he already knows?_ Arin's thoughts run crazy with the possibilities, remembering her presence in his life without her even knowing it as well as Dan's undeniable presence by his side at this very moment. _What does he want me to say, if he evidently already knows what's going to come out of my mouth?_

"I guess," Arin finally responds after a few seconds of silence, trying to figure out what the right thing to say is. "You can put it that way."

Dan's eyes drift to the right as he nods, deep in thought.

"I was, too, I suppose. I always wanted to be her, but I never could be."

Arin nods. He knows the feeling of trying to be like the artist that's better, that's more popular, that's more talented. It took a while for him to realize that he had his own art style, and his own way of creating art. Arin smiles at the thought of even someone as wonderful as Dan having someone to look up to. That's how the world works, he supposes; there's always gonna be the person that's more perfect than you, there's always a way to make things better than they were before, and there's always something that hasn't been created yet because you yourself haven't created it yet.

"I always thought about what it would be like if she came back."

Dan raises an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Arin shrugs. "I mean, she kind of was my idol. Didn't help that I was kind of in love with her."

"Well," Dan laughs nervously. "I mean, I'm sure she's doing fine. I think all this time must have meant that she's changed for the better. I think... she's who she wants to be now."

"Yeah," Arin breathes out. "I hope so..."

Loud vibrations cut them short, and Dan's eyes widen, reaching into his jacket pocket. Arin gets up from the table, taking away the long-forgotten trays to throw them in the trash. Dan seems both relieved and anxious after saying all of that, although for the life of him, Arin can't seem to figure out why.

"Shit," Dan mutters under his breath, and Arin turns around to see Dan standing up, eyes glued to his phone.

Dan pushes in his chair and he looks up to lock eyes with Arin. There's a moment of silence as they stare at each other for at least a couple of seconds. There's something odd, as Arin feels as if he's watching this from an outsider's view, seeing each other look at each other in slow-motion. It's funny how his heart seems to be thumping as if he's marching down the street during a parade, but his breath seems to have slowed down to mimic the calming waves washing along the shore on a perfect sunny day.

Dan's the one who opens his mouth first.

"Hey, fuck, I gotta go," Dan scratches behind his back with his free hand. "I have some important business I have to attend to, I..." Dan's nervous rambling drags off, as if he's not sure what to even say anymore.

"Yeah, I get it. Uh, this was fun. Hope your thing goes well." Arin attempts to smile, trying to hide the disappointment. He doesn't want to sound like he hates the idea of him leaving but..

"Hey, uh..." Dan fidgets with his phone. "Maybe I can come back over, so we can finish that game together..."

"Uh," Arin blinks. "Yeah, yeah, of course. That sounds great."

"Cool! See you soon, Arin!" Dan smiles in response, and Arin thinks that he might be blinded from the beauty that shone within. He comes in for a hug, so Arin extends his arms and-

Dan places a kiss on Arin's cheek during the hug, then he's suddenly out the door without another word.

Arin's hand touches the place Dan kissed him.

Oh.

-

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: spending time with someone special <3  
|  
**Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: dare i say i've found the one? ;)

-

 **sienna **@sennobserven:**** with all the gender-neutral terms, you really gotta wonder if dan's dating a guy or a nonbinary person or something like. oof @danny__avidan

 ******Mason** @masons_iconic: ****_r_ _eplying to @sennobserven_ @danny__avidan is gay, you heard it here first, folks!

-

When Arin first sees the tweet, he thinks back to what happened earlier that day. He brushes off the butterflies in his stomach and brushes off the tweet as a casual joke to appease his fans. It's nothing more and nothing less.

Right?

-

Suzy calls him, and he picks up on the second ring.

"Arin, you didn't tell me that you and Dan were dating!"

He sputters. "What, no, we're not, what gave you that impression, that's ridiculous, why would you suggest th-"

"Well, at least I know that you really are interested in him. Looks like I owe Ross twenty bucks."

"What? Ross has already known I was interested for days!"

"...What? I'll kill him, trying to scam me, I-"

"Suzy, wait-"

The call ends.

Well, fuck.

Guess today's the day that Ross O'Donovan dies.

Wait, scratch that. It's not like it's the first time he's gotten on someone's nerves. He might get slapped, but he probably won't die. Knowing Suzy, the 'probably' is there for a reason.

It's too bad Ross is a sadist and not a masochist. Actually, it's good, because god knows he'd pull more shit like this if otherwise.

Whatever. It's Ross's problem now.

(Just to be sure, he texts his friend to tell him to watch out. As much as a dick he is, he's still one of his best friends.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 19000 words later... and a kiss on the cheek........................................ wow. slow burn rlly be like that huh


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18 pages later... almost 4000 words later... damn.  
>  **IMPORTANT:**  
>  trigger warnings for these words/slurs: d***, f** (the short version of f*****), q****  
> mention of terfs  
> typical online backlash from homophobes and transphobes. 
> 
> please don't read if any of the above can trigger you.

xi.  
You set it all free (oh oh oh)  
You set it all free (oh oh oh)  
You set it all free (oh oh oh)

-

It's not that Arin isn't familiar with the LGBT community.

He knows about all the labels and such that people use. He knows about gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, and all the rest. He also knows about the complexity of gender identities, and the different terms that people use to describe themselves or their relation to gender. He's also, unfortunately, quite familiar with the drama that take place within the community due to conversations with his gay friends.

But he's never actually considered himself part of it, so delving into it now feels like a completely different thing than learning about it from an outside perspective.

He's kind of overwhelmed. There's so many terms, so much to learn. So many of these people are learning about themselves as teenagers, and growing up with these identities. But Arin's older, a decade apart from those youngsters, and he feels like an old man who took too long to blossom.

But at least he blossomed, he thinks to himself. This is who he is, whether he learns all the terms, labels, identities, and whatnot. Even if he's using a fake account, browsing this new world without having to connect his public persona with this.

Is it cowardice? He wonders, unsure if it's some sort of internalized fear of identifying with labels that separate him from the straight person that he once pretended to be.

He's scared, he thinks, but he's not sure if the fear is logical and founded. He loves all his friends who are part of this community, but he's only told one person due to special circumstances. He didn't even start the conversation, and he's not sure of how to do so. He's read the coming out stories and all possible reactions, but he doesn't understand how someone just goes out and does it like that. Is sexuality something important to other people other than yourself and the people you're trying to date? A label's just a label - it doesn't have meaning unless you give it meaning. Does he really want to put himself into a box that society created for him? It's a part of who he is, but in the end, he doesn't want it to define him. He wants to own himself, but does that mean that he needs to leave himself open to the world's criticism and disappointment?

He doesn't know what to do. On one hand, he wants people like him to know that he's with them. On another, he doesn't want anyone to use this against him. The world is a scary, dangerous place. He's seen YouTube comments and Newgrounds comments; he's seen the unfounded and unnecessary hateful comments that people spread, arguably the worst part of the internet's free range and anonymity (for the most part).

Arin doesn't want to be a coward. But is it really being a coward if the fears are justified?

-

"Hey, Ross."

"Mm?"

"Why... why did you come out to me when you did?"

"You mean what I said yesterday?"

"... yeah."

"It's... relieving. Knowing that it isn't something that you have to hide anymore. It's not that I was hiding it, but it always feels like you're holding your breath with a secret like this."

"Holding your breath..."

"Yeah. Plus, it felt right. The words came out of my mouth with little to no effort."

"Yeah, it feels like that with me, too."

"I never really had to worry about you, you know."

"Hm?"

"You're not exactly the most macho guy out there. I'm not saying that effeminate people are automatically gay. But you'd always been comfortable expressing yourself whether or whether not that's typical with male gender roles. I never really doubted that you'd be supportive. Sometimes, there'd be a thought, but you're the kindest guy ever, you know."

"Heh, Ross. I'd say it takes one to know one, but you're kind of a sadist."

"Jeez, trying to ruin the good vibes, huh? I see how it is."

"You know I'm kidding. Either way... thanks. It does mean a lot to me that you'd say that."

"Shush, you're gonna make me blush... Besides, I'm thinking about asking out this guy that I've been talking to for a while. Thought I might as well give you a heads up if I come home with a guy or something."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

"Just as long as you don't disturb me at night, _if you know what I'm_ -"

"How dare you, I'd never sleep with someone on the first date! How _scandalous_!"

"You'd probably do it just to spite me!"

There's a small snort, then suddenly it all just turns into laughter as the subject is dropped, but not forgotten.

-

_Ross..._

Arin's been sitting on these thoughts for about a week now.

_Holding your breath, huh...?_

Is that so?

Technically, he's only been dealing with this situation for a short time, but it feels like it's been... years.

There's times where he's tried to uphold the cisheteronormative expectations that people around him typically expect. He's kissed girls just to kiss girls before. He's always tried to have a crush on a girl at all times, so he wouldn't have to deal with anything contradictory. He's always been effeminate, but also a try-hard straight. He fondly remembers dressing in drag, but playing it off as a joke. Surely, he won't spend every moment of his life dressing like that or even have it be a side-job or anything. But he does remember enjoying it. He's always been comfortable with his femininity, but he's always been struggling trying to prove to everyone else around him, including himself, that he wasn't anything other than heterosexual.

In fact, he covered it up so well that even he didn't realize - in a way, he feels like he's been lying to himself this whole time.

In some ways, it feels like a contradiction. He loved being feminine, but played it off and tried to be everything that he was expected to be. He played off the straight card so hard that it took him this long to realize that he wasn't. How can he say he was comfortable with himself while hiding himself at the same time?

-

No, he decides. He's done trying to hide.

He's done pretending that he's a different person. He's done pretending that he doesn't remember looking at classmates in a way that can't be taken as platonic. He's done pretending that the warmth that flooded his chest wasn't him just appreciating someone's looks or him just having strong platonic feelings. He's done pretending that it's just admiration or envy, of wanting to look like someone else's perfection and wanting to live up to society's expectations. He's done pretending that he wasn't falling in love since the moment he saw Dan Avidan's face. He's done pretending to fit in no matter how difficult the front is. He's done pretending that he doesn't look at Dan and lose track of everything else. He's done pretending that he doesn't love Dan Avidan. He's done being so tired of hiding from himself.

Arin's so tired.

_I'd rather be authentic with my supporters rather than pretend to live up to expectations in order to be swarmed by ingenuity._

-

Arin's thumb taps the button. It's posted, received by the internet.

Now it's just time to see how everyone else receives it.

-

[picture]

[image description: a selfie of myself, Arin Hanson, wearing a casual sweatshirt. My head is resting on my hand, my arm upright as my elbow is touching the table under me. I'm at my drawing desk, and you can see a glimpse of my messy bed behind me.]

People like to separate things into black and white. Gray can be scary - it's complicated. What constitutes gray? There's so many possibilities. It can be scary when you fall in between the binary, inside the gray areas. Lots of things are like this: people like to argue things as if there's two extremes. Arguments like this about gender and sexuality and politics and other such things are more complex than they seem. It's not a bad thing - it's more accurate this way. Difficult to adjust to if you're used to the binary lens and a straight-forward viewpoint, but it's more genuine and more real than a binary simplification could ever be. It's hard to be a gray in a black-and-white world of sexuality. I've lived a life where being a gray is something that should be embarrassing and shameful, even though I'm just a bit different. But it's who I am. Being different shouldn't be something anyone should be scared of. I'm a gray. And I'm not afraid to be that. I love people. And I shouldn't be scared of that. Being gray... that's one thing that no one can ever deny from me, that no one can ever take away from me.

-

 **@egoseptem** : Ego, I'm so proud of you !!

 **@raptorrrgo** : yes yes yes!! egobang may not be confirmed, but it CAN be real and that's !! yes!! gay icons!!  
       (read more replies)  
        **@anorm.djev** : why is it called egobang??? sexraptor is so much cooler  
        **@10.242** : someone decreed it and we cannot take back the holy texts now

 **@veanterdan** : thank you so much arin. you've helped me by inspiring me to become a better artist, and a better person. and now, as a queer poc, thank you. thank you for owning your identity and helping me figure it all out.

 **@lgbt_lg** : wait, so you're bi? hey me too!!  
        **@veronikas** : so am i!!!!  
        **@hitmewiththat.gayshit** : bi solidarity ftw!!

 **@vikkoms.an** : so NOW i can openly declare my gay lust for egoraptor without feeling too bad. haha jk ... kind of

 **@pennyr_time** : I'm from a not super supportive family and ... it's hard. but you give me strength and hope. thank you so much Arin  
       (read more replies)  
        **@thyme.x** : you got this!! we support you :)  
        **@purplehearts** : hey man, it's all gonna get better. things are gonna look up for you even if that means we have to be your new family  
        **@pennyr_time** : **@purplehearts @thyme.x** omg... thank you  
        **@purplehearts** : no problem son  
        **@lgbt_lg** : damn true gay solidarity  
        **@vikkoms.an** : wait if we're starting a family then I want to be **@pennyr_time** 's uncle  
        **@dixie_lesb** : can i be the weird quirky "aunt" that shows up once a year and everyone suspects she's just a family friend because no one knows where she is on the family tree?  
        **@pennyr_time** : YES PLEASE  
        **@anorm.djev:** this is so cute and wholesome

 ******@susiender** : ****<3<3<3

 ******@queerquacking** : ****Arin Hanson you BEAUTIFUL human being !!

 ******@vindet.sin** : ****thank you for inspiring me all these years, xoxo love v

 ******@dixie_lesb** :**** I love you <3

 ******@shiny.shin** : ****<3<3<3 gay pride ftw!!!

 ********@true.sarah** : **I'm straight, but we all need to learn to love each other. that's what it's about, not about the specifics of your love, but that there's love. **  
**(read more replies)  
        **@lgbt_lg** : tbshsjsyk the only true ally  
        **@thyme.x** : the "i'm straight, but" is a very het thing to do but at least the message is v good sjsjsjsjs  
        **@true.sarah** : what's the problem here??? i'm just telling the truth  
        **@veronikas** : see... it doesn't matter. your comment w/out the obligatory "i'm straight" would have worked well on its own. it's not like it's a bad thing to be straight, it's just unnecessary information. love is love. we may have labels, but the ideal world is one without labels, where people don't need to come out as straight or gay or anything else.  
        **@true.sarah** : ohh I get it. thanks  
        **@veronikas** : np! i'm glad you understand  
        **@queerquacking** : great educating!!!

 ******@salamander.zzz** : ****god i loved you so much before but that was nothing compared to how much i love you now. keep being amazing, ego!

 ********@thyme.x** : **I grew up being scared of my attraction to women. now i'm a proud lesbian, but sometimes it gets hard. i hope you know you have our support no matter what **  
**(read more replies)  
        **@hitmewiththat.gayshit** : lesbian/bi solidarity!!  
        **@ash.harting24** : haha fucking dyke  
        **@sandmd_95** : uhh reported. don't be a dick  
        **@ash.harting24** : so much for "love is love" when you're being so rude  
        **@sandmd_95** : you're the one who was rude in the first place???  
        **@hitmewiththat.gayshit** : literally some straight people.... smh  
        **@queerquacking** : can you like... not??  
        **@lgbt_lg** : who fucking asked you lmfaooo  
        **@ash.harting24** : it's FREEDOM of speech i'll say whatever i want  
        **@sandmd_95** : goddammit that protects you from the government not from people caling out your stupidity  
        **@queerquacking** : for the millionth time the first amendment protects you from the government not the **@sandmd_95**

 ******@ranemsneam** :**** Okay but none of us saw this coming sjajsjasj

 ********@oliver22_1** : **fag **  
****@queerquacking** : wow so mature. if you don't like it, don't comment. if you don't like ego now, don't interact. ain't gotta shove bigotry in people's faces  
        **@nejvk.sjas** : reported. don't interact, y'all. someone wants attention and we're not letting them have the satisfaction. screw off.

 ******@oliver22_1** :**** we all read into this homosexual subtext, you gay shits. God hates gays, and nothing else will stand ** **  
**@veronikas** :**** christianity is all about loving. God said to love thy neighbor. God said to love each other despite our differences. you can't tell me a guy like that would ever hate someone for their sexuality.

 ******@ryan_1** :**** hell ya!!! we love you! fuck the haters - you're great the way you are!

 ********@beaut_neptune**** : bi trans girl here. thank you for having this kind of courage. it inspires me to try to be an authentic version of myself. :) **  
**(hide all replies)  
        **@ranemsneam** : fellow trans person here to say freaking same!!!  
        **@hannie53** : Being transgender is literally a delusion what the actual fuck  
        **@egoseptem** : uh don't be a terf???  
        **@hannie53** : I'm not a terf... Don't call me a slur anyway  
        **@egoseptem** : ??? terf is not a slur i don't know what the fuck you're talking about ajsjasj  
        **@thyme.x** : Okay whatever transphobe  
        **@sandmd_95** : okay not to butt in but that person is literally not a terf lol there's transphobia but no radical feminism  
        **@radicalsusie** : don't call people terfs anyway that's mean  
        **@queerquacking** : no its not??? it's just. a descriptor. a radfem who's excluding trans women from feminism. that's ... literally terf.  
        **@radicalsusie** : terf is a slur. i hate when people call me that. i'm a lesbian that only wants pussy and not dick?? that's just me being gay i just don't want dick  
        **@thyme.x** : okay.................... thank you for your opinion terf  
        **@vikkoms.an** : no one forced you to want dick??????  
        **@radicalsusie** : then why are people attacking me for not wanting dick then huh? as a lesbian apparently me not wanting a dick even if it's attached to a 'woman' or whatever  
        **@queerquacking** : jasjsjsj??? no one said that and no one really says that also you're transphobic anyway because you're implying that women with dicks aren't women  
        **@thyme.x** : terfs really do be like that sometimes huh  
        **@queerquacking** : oh my god???? don't start Tumblr Discourse on this v good post???  
        **@sandmd_9** 5: somehow this derailed and i'm so sorry to the op for having to get notifs for this transphobic nonsense  
        **@beaut_neptune** : i just ignore them lol :) thanks tho it's alright

 ******@thyme.x****** : anyway we love the queer solidarity on this post !! qt ppl really do come together in beautiful ways :')

-

The majority of people seem to... be okay with this. Arin notes some of the more negative comments and arguments, but really, that happens everywhere. That's to be expected. Plus, it seems to be a small, vocal minority, which is probably the best-case scenario.

Of course, he tries to delete negative comments before more arguments start and people get really upset. He doesn't want people to be arguing over his casual post. Plus, there's not much to do while you sit and refresh a page over and over again.

Is it petty to only want to see a specific someone's reaction to your post?

-

Answer? Probably. It doesn't stop him from continually checking his phone to see a notification from **@danny__avidan**.

-

It's later in the evening when Arin finally gets what he really wanted.

 **@danny__avidan** : Inspirational. Proud of you, buddy!

Arin can't help but feel both disappointed and relieved at the same time. At least, that's what he thinks he's feeling; he feels waves of emotions that pass through him so quickly that he's unable to process them in time. He feels as if he's feeling everything yet nothing at once. He's not really sure anymore, but one thing's for sure. Dan approves - and that alone takes a massive weight off of his shoulders.  
-

"Hey, this is Arin Hanson. I'm away right now, but if you leave your name and number, I can call you back as soon as possible. Thank you!"

Beep.

"Hey, Arin. This is Suzy. Where are you right now, anyway? You're not usually away from your phone, and I did calculate the time difference this time, so shush! Anyway, I saw your post on Instagram. That's... really brave of you, you know. I was going to just leave a comment, but I just wanted to personally tell you that I'm proud of you. Congrats, man. Anyway, we do have a bit to catch up on, don't we? Contact me back soon!"

Beep.

-

 **me** : hey suze

 **the suze** : arin!! What's up?

 **me** : not much lol i jsut got your voicemail

 **me** : just*** heck

 **the suze** : oh yeah!!

 **the suze** : dud e

 **the suze** : i'm so fuckging proud of you!! that must have taken guts!!

 **the suze** : i can't say i saw this coming but i can't say i'm surprised either

 **me** : thanks haha

 **me** : i was tired of pretending ya know

 **me** : ross told me it was like holding my breath and honestly?

 **me:** yeah

 **the suze** : speaking of ross....

 **me** : please don't kill him who's gonna pay half of the rent then :(

 **the suze** : :(

 **me** : you're gonna have to find me a new roommate if you do

 **the suze** : i could come :) to california :) kill ross :) then be your new roomie

 **me** : suze........ no

 **the suze** : jusT kidding i'd come visit but not a huge fan of california, like, living in it

 **the suze** : i like being with family ya know

 **the suze** : but anyway!!

 **the suze** : your post!!! i loved your analogy and how everyone read between the lines and figured it out lol

 **me** : yeah.,. besides the coming out narrative is always the same like

 **me** : 'hey i'm coming out as such-and-such'

 **me** : like? no, no thanks. yes i'm bi but also like. trying to make it subtle and lowkey

 **the suze** : yeah i get it

 **the suze** : hopefully we can transition as a society to a world w/out coming outs

 **me** : oof

 **the suze** : i'm just like you -- except i use a different label but

 **the suze** : i only came out to family. and now you. and probably other friends. like ross.

 **me** : dude thats so valid

 **the suze** : anyway so hopefully you'll get to kiss danny soon >:)

 **me** : suuuze!

 **me** : leave my love life aloneee

 **the suze** : okay okay sure

 **the suze** : wanna hear about my day at work today then?

 **me:** fuck yeah

-

Dan doesn't really promote this video anywhere on social media, so Arin's surprised when he finds out that there's another Dan Avidan interview in his YouTube recommended. It's relatively new, so that might be why. Maybe he's just earlier than usual, he reasons with himself. It's been about three days since his sort-of-coming out and Dan's comment on said post; since then, they haven't really interacted much or talked to each other really.

He's not sure what to expect.

-

"I'm here with Dan Avidan, lead singer of Ninja Sex Party! Dan, how you feeling?"

"I'm great, actually, uh....." Dan trails off.

"Alex! Mx. Alex Weller, if you please."

"Mx.?"

"Yes, it's, uh, well-"

"Pardon me for assuming, but do you use they/them pronouns?"

Alex blinks.

"Why... yes. Yes, I do."

Dan smiles. "Awesome. That's cool."

"So, uhm. Dan. I watched that new video of Ninja Sex Party... Dinosaur Laser Fight, I believe?"

"Yes, indeed!" Dan lights up. "It's very meaningful to me. I've always loved, loved, loved dinosaurs and all, so I figured, why not? They've always fascinated me and I think music, or creating music at least, has always been about creating something that you're interested in or something that makes you passionate. Plus, I got to work with some of my very cool, very best friends on it."

"Who would you be referring to?"

"Yes, uh, that would be Ninja Brian, obviously, but also Egoraptor."

"Oh, Egoraptor. Arin, correct?"

"Yes! We've become close friends, I'd say. His work is impeccable and he's awesome. I'm really glad that I got to know him."

"Yeah! People really enjoy seeing you two interact with each other."

"Oh, yeah, all that. People love it. They go crazy all over the posts that involve both of us. It was strange at first and a bit worrying, but then I realized that it wasn't that a big of a deal. They draw pictures of us together and it's so freaking cute. Honestly. People have amazing talent. You have permission, by the way, to go all out with those things."

"Me...? Oh, the audience."

"Absolutely. You could, too! Pair us together in your own creative work." Dan says, smirking at the interviewer.

"Oh, dear. I'm not that creative. Still, you two really are quite adorable. I always see you two interact with each other. Plus, you commented on his recent Instagram post."

"Oh, yes. His very inspirational speech. Very touching. Very relatable. He's really got a way with words, yes? An artist and a writer. Both! How wonderful. That dude's just... really amazing. His post really made me feel something here." Dan taps his chest with his closed fist, right where his heart would be. "Relatable and inspiring."

The interviewer smiles. "Yes... ah, pardon me for asking, but - what do you mean by relatable?"

"Well," Dan smiles. "... see... maybe I'm not so different after all. Let's put it that way."

"Oh?"

Dan winks. "Guess you'll just have to wait and see."

Alex raises their eyebrow. "What a tease! Dan Avidan, from Ninja Sex Party, everybody!"

-

 **Neil Gannod**  
Was Danny Sexbang... flirting with Alex?

 **anothergamingyoutuber**  
Honestly, Dan Avidan is a huge LGBT icon. I'm calling it now.

 **Miss Anne**  
Dan is nonbinary-friendly... and knows about gender-neutral honorifics and the singular they. We are truly blessed.

-

Dan's always being vague in his interviews. Arin doesn't know what to make of this. Dan said that he was both inspirational and... relatable? A funny choice of words. Is it a coincidence? Is it simply him reading too much into what Dan's saying during the pressure of an interview?

Still, Arin can't shake the thought that Dan's hinting at some secret that's begging to be revealed.

It's probably a publicity thing, but Arin's gut is telling him that there's something deeper beyond that. And typically, Arin's gut feelings are never wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is going to be very. very. very. very. exciting.
> 
> edit 6/15/19: jesus christ i had a DREAM about this fic. i mean i'm not complaining because it gave me ideas but WOW. i'm so invested in this work - it's literally been my life and what i've poured my soul into for the last couple of months (8 i believe?). i'm really sad this is going to be ending soon, but rest assured that i will write more in this universe. it might become a long series, who knows? :) anyway thanks for reading. see you next chapter, lovelies <3


	12. Chapter 12

xii.  
This is my kiss goodbye  
You can stand alone and watch me fly  
'Cause nothing's keeping me down  
I'm gonna let it all out  
Come on and say right now, right now, right now

-

Arin wakes up the next day to a message from an unknown number.

Curious, he opens the message.

 **1-323-573-3875:**  you know, if you hurt dan i'm going to murder you on the spot

Arin blinks.

What?

He's not even sure how to respond to a text like that. It's ... possibly referring to Dan Avidan, but then again, there's a possibility that this could just be a wrong number text. He's not sure if he's okay with being threatened by someone he doesn't know, especially a wrong-number text. Quite frankly, maybe he shouldn't even respond to this text.

But his phone vibrates again.

 **1-323-573-3875:**  i know you like him. i'm not dense, unlike him.

 **1-323-573-3875:**  oh btw this is brian

Oh.

Brian probably managed to snag Arin's number from Dan, somehow. He also seems to have known that the two of them are getting closer. He at least definitely knows that Arin is interested, probably since the beginning. Arin first saw the man and his offhand comment made him think that maybe, there's a chance here.

 **me:** oh um... hi? i'm sorry?

Arin quickly goes in and adds Brian Wecht into his contacts.

 **brian wecht:** i'm just saying. he's mine and the only one that can hurt him is me

Arin gapes.

 **me:** wait omg are you guys dating or something? i'm so sorry ??? i didn't mean to???

 **brian wecht:** no?? what??

 **brian wecht:** okay i'm actually. not gay. but uh. i'm like. giving u the 'dont-hurt-dan-or-else' talk

 **me:** oh

 **brian wecht:** anyway take care of him or die.

 **brian wecht:** i'm kidding but i'm not.

Arin furrows his eyebrows. What a strange conversation to wake up to.

-

Sometimes, you just gotta sit and think about some of the people that you've known in your life.

For Arin, that's always Suzy Berhow.

He used to think they were soulmates. He remembers being crushed when the two of them decided to separate, but he knows that it was inevitable. There was still love there, and in fact, there still is love there. They were meant to love, but maybe they were also meant to separate.

The thing is, Arin still thinks of Suzy as his soulmate. Perhaps not a romantic one, but just a platonic one nonetheless.

Arin remembers how torn apart everything seemed with they broke up. He remembers thinking that he would never love again. He had been so devastated in the many months that followed their breakup. He separated his life into two: before Suzy and after Suzy. Sometimes one person, one moment, one feeling can be so prominent and so prevailing that everything else in your life seems to be surrounding planets circling the star that it revolves around. That one thing is the 99.99% of the universe compared to the insurmountable specks that can't even come close to comparing.

It's been ten years, though, so he's had a lot of time to really think back on it. They had dated for several years after meeting at a convention, and both of them were immediately smitten. He remembers how perfect they seemed to be, both in mind and soul. He didn't think he'd be able to love again, or even deserved to love again. He thought that if he couldn't even manage someone as perfect for him as her, then there's no way that he could ever find anything like it ever again. Arin didn't think that he deserved another shot at love, after Suzy. Someone like Suzy would only come around once in his lifetime, and he submitted himself to feeling as if he gave up his one and only chance.

 _But there's always another chance, huh?_ Arin smiles to himself a bit. Dan Avidan came into his life, proving him wrong.

He remembers the epiphany he had at the Ninja Sex Party office, where he realized that someone like Dan could exist. He was bubbly and enthusiastic. He was genuine and excited about everything that he did. Dan had sparked a reminder of passion, and what it means to artists like them.

And when they talk, they talk forever. He's never had a lull in a conversation with Dan before. There's always something new to laugh about, something new to wonder about, something new to think about. It just flows easily, like the waves at sea that crash slowly onto the shore. It's just so easy to talk to him - it never feels like a chore to maintain a conversation. Hours could pass by in a matter of seconds, and they would be none the wiser. The world can pass by around them and Arin would only have eyes for Dan.

Dan brought so much into Arin's life. And if they aren't soulmates, then, well, he doesn't know who will be. Or who can be.

Arin didn't think that one person could make him so damn happy.

-

They're on another sushi-takeout date ( _date_? Arin can't even think about that word without shivering).

Arin offers Dan to crash at his place for a while.

Dan accepts without further thought.

-

"So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but..." Arin places down his cup of tea. "How did you and Brian meet?"

Dan gives Arin a funky smile. "What is this, an interview?"

"Yeah," Arin snorts. "News reporter Arin Hanson, I'm here with Dan Avidan here today, who's going to talk about his gritty past."

Dan raises an eyebrow at that.

"Gritty past?"

Arin shrugs. "Sounded cool and mysterious."

"Sure," Dan says, smiling. "I met Brian when I was going back to college for comedy."

"You went back to _college_?"

"Yeah. Pretty funny you picked up on that. Most people focus on the comedy part."

"I mean," Arin fumbles with his napkin. "You are part of a comedy band. What more could I expect?"

Dan laughs, and Arin wishes he had a camera to capture that masterpiece.

Instead, he picks up his tea and takes a sip of it.

"You've really got me there. Yes, back to college for comedy. He was a physics professor who liked to contribute to the comedy acts, so we met through a mutual acquaintance there."

"I still can't believe Brian has a PhD."

"Honestly, me neither." Dan blows on his cup to cool down his drink. "But he did it. But now he's dropped out to play songs about dicks with me. Friendship goals."

"Friendship?"

"Okay," Dan presses his lips together, seemingly slightly amused. "I know we seem like we're an old married couple sometimes, but yes, we're just friends."

Arin flushes. "No, no, I didn't mean, I mean-" Arin clears his throat. "I just. You guys seem to barely tolerate each other. It's a joke, of course."

"Ah." Dan scratches the back of his head. "Right."

"Like barely becoming friends again with your ex who you broke up with on somewhat shaky terms. You know?"

Dan lets out a giggle. "Okay, yeah, I see what you mean. Brian's not an ex, though. We just show each other our affection in a different, non-traditional way, that's all."

"Right..." Arin trails off.

"What about you? Have any stormy exes? You seem to know a lot about dealing with an ex." Dan winks.

"Oh, uh," Arin coughs. "I only have one ex-girlfriend."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, her name is Suzy. She's nice, we're still friends. Really close friends, too. We're platonic soulmates."

"Platonic soulmates!" Dan's eyebrows rise at that.

"Yep," Arin smiles. "She's a best friend. I love her a whole lot."

"Mhm," Dan says. "And now? Any partners? Any people you're interested in?"

"Me? Oh, no."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm single right now. Not a lot of people are interested in the single bisexual animator/artist."

"Really?" Dan repeats again. "I mean, I was sure a whole bunch of people would be falling over themselves for you. I mean," Dan's eyes trail down Arin's body. "I definitely can see why they _should_."

Dan lets out a laugh.

God, he's so beautiful.

Arin sets down his cup next to Dan's on the table. They're standing in the kitchen, talking after sushi. They're standing close to each other, and Arin thinks that if there's any good time to do it, this would be it.

Looking into Dan's eyes, he does the only thing that he could do, would do, can do.

-

Arin crashes his body against Dan's, feeling the body heat enveloping both of them. It's a chaste kiss, but a forceful one nonetheless. It was sudden, and Dan freezes for a moment. As quickly as the inner feeling of anxiety washes over Arin, Dan's hands suddenly comes up to hold Arin's face in his hands, pressing back into Arin with the same amount of intensity that Arin started with. Arin's never really had a lot of practice kissing before; it's compared to embers of a fire or the turbulent waves of the ocean. The passion - it's described as something that builds up with tension and desire.

Is this truly passion though? Arin doesn't feel the fire or the waves - he doesn't feel anything of the sort enveloping him. He doesn't feel like he's drowning. But he feels like time has stopped, as if the world around them had disappeared. He's focused here, in this moment, kissing Dan.

Oh my gosh. _He's actually kissing Daniel Avidan._

Arin's eyes squint, as his thoughts draw their attention to trying to make this kiss perfect. He will admit he's not very experienced, but he tries to put in all of the things that he's been feeling into it. The love that built up over time, the way he was terrified of his own feelings, the love that he wants to give and receive... Arin wants all of these thoughts to somehow find their way across, from his lips to Dan's, from his face to Dan's hands, from his body to Dan's. He doesn't know if a kiss can tell a story, or if a kiss can express everything, or anything for that matter, but he's willing to try, to show Dan everything.

Arin tries to commit this to memory, the way that Dan's lips feel against his. It makes him start to wonder why he waited so long, why he hesitated in admitting the love that he felt emanating from every part of his soul. This just feels right, like this is exactly how it was supposed to be. He can feel the tingling from the tips of his fingers to the warmth growing on his face to the heels of his feet. If there's a fate, a destiny out there, then Arin thinks that it's right in front of him, because this might just be everything he's ever wanted.

Suddenly, the warmth disappears.

The magical feeling wavers in the air, as the two of them blink at each other, seemingly frozen in time.

"A... Arin...?"

Dan's voice sounds strangled.

Arin's heart drops.

"Dan." Arin breathes out slowly.

For a moment, they just look at each other. Arin scans Dan's face, trying to get a sense of what to expect, of what Dan's possibly thinking. Unfortunately, he's a great actor, so Arin doesn't see any sign of anything on his face. Arin looks back up into Dan's eyes, trying to see any sense of emotion within those eyes. There's something there, almost a bit like sorrow, but that doesn't make any sense, does it?

Or maybe it does.

Desperate, Arin's eyes scatter, panicked as he looks everywhere into Dan's eyes. He doesn't know if he's conveying it well, but he's trying his best to take all of his own emotions and pour them into a look to give Dan. It's like their previous kiss. Can a kiss tell a story? Can a kiss express everything Arin wants it to?

Can one glance mean everything?

 _I love you._ Arin thinks pointedly, not sure if he wants Dan to be a telepath and read his thoughts. _There's no one I've loved more than you. I feel as if everything's sliding into place when you're around. I love watching you laugh. I love making you laugh. I love watching you play and I love watching you perform. I love everything that makes you you. I love you, I love you, I love you._

Suddenly, Dan's eyes flicker downwards, avoiding eye contact. (Arin doesn't know why that feels like a stab in the heart.)

"I..." Dan starts, then continuing with a strangled voice, almost in pain. "I have to leave. It's.. not that.. I just. I have to go. I..."

Arin opens his mouth.

 

_You don't have to._

_Do you really have to?_

_Did you not like that?_

_I'm sorry, I should have asked first._

_Do you like me?_

_Can we kiss again?_

 

 

 

 

 

_Please don't go._

-

But Arin says none of that.

Instead, he nods calmly, watching Dan turn around towards the door.

He watches as he leaves.

The warm feeling dissolves into nothing. And that nothing hurts more than anything else in the world.

-

Arin doesn't cry. He swears.

-

Ten missed phone calls from Brian Wecht.

Another one rings out. Arin presses cancel.

Arin doesn't know where he went wrong. The thing is, he's starting to believe that everything was wrong. Falling in love with Dan, continuing to develop these emotions, and kissing him - oh god - _kissing him_. What was he thinking? He didn't even ask or anything; he just went for it. Even just came onto Dan without permission, not even knowing if Dan felt the same. Their friendship was ruined forever, because Arin couldn't control his own damn impulses.

His head whispers, _then why did Dan kiss you back?_

Arin groans, putting his head into his hands. Everything is so overwhelming. There's nothing more that he can do, except listen to everything in his body and mind scream out. It's a constant battle within his head, and he's not sure what to do, how to fix it, or even if it's possible to be fixed.

A voicemail buzzes in. Arin bites his tongue, furrowing his eyebrows.

Arin picks up the phone, pressing a speed-dial number that's been saved to the number 2 for years.

The phone is picked up after three rings.

"Arin?"

"Suzy, I-"

Arin can't even continue because he loses his voice, breaking down and sobbing on his couch.

-

"This isn't something you should be processing alone. _Call_ him, Arin. Only the two of you know what happened, and where you two want to go from here. Just call him. Everything's going to be okay."

Suzy left him with that, and none of his problems have been solved.

Maybe some of his problems can be solved with Suzy's advice, but maybe he's also too stubborn to even consider that.

Brian stopped calling, evidently tired of hitting voicemail. But...

Dan never called or texted. He hasn't done anything.

Arin leaves his phone on the couch as he heads towards the room to be alone. He just needs to be alone right now. His thoughts are too overwhelming for him to process much of anything at the moment.

Arin cries himself to sleep for the first time in years.

-

It's hours later when someone knocks on Arin's bedroom door.

"Arin?" A muffled voice - Ross - comes through.

Arin groans, turning over. Still, he musters the effort to call out, "Come in!"

Ross, to his credit, doesn't say anything else; he just opens the door and plops down next to Arin. Ross rubs at Arin's hair and stays there for a few moments. It's comforting, although he wouldn't be caught dead admitting that to his sadistic roommate.

"Hey, buddy," Ross whispers. "Do you want to talk? We don't have to talk about this, we can talk about something else."

Arin finds it hard to speak, so he manages a slight nod, anyway.

Arin can feel Ross smile.

"Okay, bud. Hey, listen, I went on a date the other day."

Silence.

"I met this guy. His name is Barry. He's really cute and soft and cuddly. Although I'm just assuming. We haven't cuddled yet. We've hugged though, and honestly, he can be a personal teddy bear for hire. No joke. He's cute but also really attractive too. Like... get you a man who can do both? Yeah. That's basically him."

Ross shuffles around a bit.

Arin finds himself looking at a picture on Ross's phone. He finds himself thinking that Ross's description was quite accurate, actually.

"We went on a date. Nothing special, really, but we did go to some restaurant that Barry recommended. It was good food, but nothing compared to my date. I've never let myself think that someone like him would be interested in someone like me. But he seems to be! We've been friends for a while, but I didn't even know he was into guys. But he asked me out and I almost lost my shit right there."

Ross lets out a dreamy sigh, like one of those lovesick teenagers.

"God, he's perfect. Snarky, sarcastic, knowledgeable... but also kind, caring, and wonderful. I've never met anyone who's the perfect blend of everyone I've ever wanted to love and need. This might be too soon, but if I had to marry anyone, it'd be him. He's perfect. Is that... too soon?"

"Yes."

Arin can feel Ross pouting. There's no way he isn't pouting right now.

"Arin...! I'll have you meet him first though! I know you'll approve. He's kind, but also hilarious. He... he makes me want to be a better person. I'd always felt that we'd be good friends, but ever since I realized I could see him in a more romantic light, there's no one else that I want. We connect so well, on a level that feels both microscopic and too large for the human brain to comprehend. Is it lame to say I feel like we're soulmates? It probably is, but god, I feel as if this is destiny. He..."

Arin closes his eyes. The voices have stopped arguing over each other. Ross's presence and words soothes him. Arin feels grounded as he effortlessly listen's to Ross's rants. He didn't have to be here, he didn't ask, he didn't question. He's just here. And that's all he needed, all that he could ever ask for.

Maybe he can handle anything with his best friend Ross at his side. Even this. Especially this.

Arin's lulled to sleep with Ross's calming words.

-

The next day, Arin pulls himself out of bed and tells himself to stop moaning about Dan Avidan. He's had his heart broken before. He can handle it again.

So, he handles it.

-

If only barely.

-

Arin makes breakfast, to which he realizes he forgot to add any sort of seasoning. It's bland. It's not terrible, but it's still boring. He usually likes to add a little pop of flavour or mix together certain spices to create a symphony of taste. He likes to have some fun in life; it's fun to explore his own creativity and inspirations, even if cooking isn't his main medium of art (if his cooking can really be considered art, at least whatever food he crams together to vaguely represent some sort of meal). But now, it tastes like virtually nothing.

The nothing suits him, though. He feels like nothing, and everything feels like nothing.

Arin doesn't consider himself a poet, but he thinks this food could be an analogy for his life without Dan Avidan.

-

"Arin...?" A sigh.

"Listen, I don't know what happened, but I do know that something happened to Dan. And I know it involves you. Dan didn't mention anything, but..."

"Just promise me you guys will talk this out. Just call him, please. He's being stubborn and you're being... I don't know. Just communicate, it's... an important part of a relationship. So... you know..."

"Just please talk to Dan. Please. I promise it's worth it."

The voicemail ends. Arin doesn't bother to respond, even if Suzy and now Brian happened to give him the same advice.

-

God, it's only been a day, not even twenty-four hours. But everywhere he turns, he thinks of Dan.

If he looks towards the couch, he can himself crying on the couch the night before. He can see a memory of himself and Dan playing Mario 64 together on the couch; as Arin rages at the screen, Dan's falling over himself in his own laughter. He can see himself texting Dan while smiling like a dork.

If he looks towards his kitchen, he can see the beautiful kiss that he shared with Dan. He can see the sushi takeout that they're eating at the table together. He can see the two conversating about a random topic that's been forgotten long, long ago. He can see himself looking deep into Dan's eyes, absolutely lovesick.

If he looks towards his room, he can see himself crying alone on his bed, though he's not sure if this was because of Dan or Leigh or Suzy. He can see himself being comforted by Ross the day before. He can see himself scrolling on his phone while laying down on his bed, messaging Dan about whatever they happen to talk about on that day. He can see himself wondering what being in love with Daniel Avidan means.

Arin can see Dan everywhere he looks. He's not sure if he really wants to, though.

-

In the end, Arin sits at a desk in the living room, pulling up his artwork.

Arin freezes.

The Commission.

He's almost done with it, the digital self-portrait of himself that he's planning on printing to the size of a regular-size painting. He's going to give said painting to Dan, who's going to hang it up in his place...

Arin looks back at the art-version of himself, who's grinning wildly.

 _What are you smiling at?_ He wonders. _Will I ever be that happy again?_

 _Of course you will,_ a voice whispers softly. _You don't need someone to get you to love yourself._

Arin sighs. Love, passion, happiness... it's all something that's created within yourself. You don't need a muse to draw. You don't need to romantically love to create. The only muse you need is life - whether it's the beauty of nature or the life that you live. Arin wants desperately to believe that the world is beautiful, that love is beautiful. Maybe you can be in love with the world that you walk, if nothing else.

You don't need someone to give you meaning and fulfillment in life.

Arin's mind reminds him that that voice sounds like Dan, and that he's learned this from time spent with Dan.

Arin does some of the last finishing touches on the drawing, unsure if he's ever going to stop feeling the aftereffects of Dan's presence on his life.

-

Ross is the one who bursts into his room as Arin lazily scrolls down his Instagram feed. Arin confusedly looks up at his friend's face, which is filled with shock and glee.

"Ross-?"

"Fucking! Look at this!" Ross shoves his phone in Arin's face, a blur of light almost blinding him.

"H-hey- What the hell, man?" Arin grumbles. He playfully shoves Ross, grabbing his phone to look clearly at the text on the screen.

-

 **Ariella** @jetbluecentaur: lol not to like spread the truth or anything but dan avidan is like? a trans man and a huge lgbt icon in general

 **Danny Avidan** @danny__avidan: _replying to @jetbluecentaur_ indeed.

-

The internet is exploding, almost excitedly at the prospect of a transgender celebrity coming out. It's talking about how significant this is to the LGBT community and how this reflects on a progressive society. Some people are drawing art of Dan with the transgender flag while others are speculating on the hints and the build-up to Dan's reveal.

-

While the internet is excitedly chattering, Arin Hanson is in his bedroom, phone in hand and friend at his side, frozen in shock.

-

Leigh Schwartz. _Leigh, Dan, Leigh, Dan..._

The puzzle pieces fit together.

A lightbulb turns on in Arin's head as it all falls into place.

 _Oh my god,_ Arin thinks to himself, _what the fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one? this one's a long one. i read over it briefly for mistakes but i don't have a beta so lmk if i missed something! i wrote this haphazardly. 
> 
> anyway! i hope this meets your expectations. (they FINALLY kissed omg,,,, smh) two more chapters left - one more and then an epilogue! thanks for all your support and love on this fic <3

**Author's Note:**

> heyy if you made it all the way here, thanks for reading! kudos and comment if you like this, and i'm totally open for suggestions for what's next! I do have a planned out plot, but i'd love to hear from you guys too if you have suggestions :) thanks, love ya, bye!
> 
> btw my tumblr is vinndetta and y'all should hmu bc i need more mutuals to talk to about game grumps
> 
> also if you wanna drop some uhhhh cash in the wallet of a broke college kid, then my ko-fi and venmo are under the username "vinndetta" :) thaaaanks<3 ur local college student uhmmm would definitely need some money in these trying times lol
> 
> thanks for supporting me and this fic!<3
> 
> EDIT 1/3/19: hey! i do commissions/requests now! message me on tumblr or twitter (my handle is @vinndictive) for more details and information! i'm totally open to new ideas/prompts for anything i'm familiar enough with! :) totally message me if you're interested!
> 
> EDIT 8/9/19: i just want to note that as a transgender person, but not a celebrity, i am trying my best to feel out what it would be like for Dan to come out as transgender. i do not actually believe he is trans irl, but i'm writing this fic as a trans person in order to cope and grapple with being transgender in society, plus with the added benefit of more transgender characters in (fan)fiction. in chapter 12, which i just posted, Arin finds out. in the next chapter, he confronts Dan. please do not use this fic as a "tutorial" of sorts to react to every trans person coming out to you. i'm not saying Arin's reaction/confrontation will be transphobic and unacceptable. however, dan's experience may not be universal, and arin's response is his own. please refer to other articles and information to be an ally to the trans community; this is simply fiction, and i hope that you take that into consideration. read more on trans resources; i hope this will be a bounceboard for those confused to dive into understanding. thank you so much!


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